Ranting And Raving: This Is the Year You’ll Learn to Bag Your Own Freaking Groceries

Photo: Hero Images (Getty Images)

Life is hard enough when things are going well. Work is exhausting. Going to work is exhausting. There’s always traffic, not sure why. Maybe if everybody just went, that wouldn’t be a thing. We’re still doing birthday parties after 30? Sure, OK, it’s only your one day off before hopping back in line to work. But, explain to us this, why is it that people still feel entitled to have somebody else bag their groceries? We’re here to tell you: That’s all going to change in 2019.

If you think about it, it’s absolutely absurd.

Even if you’re smart enough to bring your own reusable bag to the market, that means you 1) got in your car 2) drove all the way (on your own!) 3) found a parking spot 4) picked out all your groceries 5) stood in line. For some reason, between standing in line to pay and actually paying, your ability to take those groceries you picked out and place them in the bag you brought is out of the question. Out of the question! Instead, you stand and watch. Or worse, you go on your phone and hold up the line for everyone while you drift into digital oblivion.

Risky Tips With Kate Quigley: The Dating Detox Challenge

Where did this misplaced entitlement come from? Is this just the way it’s always been? You know, it’s alright to change that. If we never learned from our mistakes and never questioned why we do some of the things we do (slavery, sexism, homophobia), things would be even weirder than they are now.

Image result for bagging groceries funny

For those of us hoping to avoid traffic as much as possible, we can tell you this: You’re holding up the line! And we’re not just talking about the grocery store. We’re talking about life, my man. If you’re not moving, you’re in someone’s way.

I’ll tell you the same thing I tell my dog every morning: Shit or get off the lawn.

So the next time you’re in line at the grocery store playing Tetris while someone who’s no different than yourself bags your gluten-free crackers because you think your time is more precious, remember you’re no better than anyone standing behind you. The funny thing is…bagging groceries, not so different than Tetris! Keep the glass in the corners, build a nice foundation and eggs on the top (just don’t spike the bag in the parking lot with the long blue block). Not that hard!

If everybody does just a little more, the lines would start to move. People could get where they’re going. Think about that and be a little more aware of your surroundings, conscientious as to why you do the things you do. Is it because “that’s how I was raised,” because — hate to break it to you — not everything your parents taught you is necessarily sound. My parents are a couple Catholics leaning hard and to the right, but you don’t see me in church on Sundays praying to the Big Guy for someone (anyone) to build a goddamn wall. Catch the drift?

Lend a helping hand and keep the proverbial line moving. Who knows, you might actually get somewhere this year.

Before you go: Today’s Mandatory Funny Photos