Starbucks to Start Blocking Porn, Upsetting Pervs Everywhere

Photo: Giulio Fornasar (Getty Images)

In a move that will surely affect customers who enjoy coffee while masturbating, Starbucks announced this week they will start blocking porn through its stores’ Wi-Fi connections. The coffee giant plans to start cockblocking pervs in 2019.

According to a report from NBC News, a Starbucks official said the company views pornographic content as egregious. We can imagine what porn/coffee advocates would say: “Well, what hell else am I supposed do when I’m at Starbucks? Read? Now I have to go to the library for Pornhub, and over there you have to keep the volume down. It’s really inconvenient.”

Sin in silence: Pornhub Is Adding Closed Captioning To Help You Follow Storylines

A non-profit group named Enough Is Enough ruined it for anyone who enjoys jerking off with a cup of joe when they collected more than 26,000 signatures of people supporting the blockage of porn. They came with enough leverage for Starbucks to implement a plan to stop the creepy dude in the corner from watching fetish videos while you’re trying to enjoy that spinach-feta wrap.

It took Starbucks roughly two years to figure out a way to stop porn from being watched in their stores. In 2016, according to Enough Is Enough CEO Donna Rice Hughes, the coffee store began discussions to figure out the right way to block this stuff. Apparently, they never heard of website blockers, which have been around since near the birth of the internet. This makes sense, however, because Starbucks Wi-Fi seems to run as slow as dial-up sometimes. Now we’re pretty sure that’s what they’ve been using this whole time.

Good news for coffee lovers: Candy-Flavored Coffee Creamers Are Coming In 2019 

So if you’re the one who watches porn in Starbucks, this means you have to take your egregious search habits somewhere else next year. Perhaps Coffee Bean has free Wi-Fi.