Amazon’s Alexa Will Friend-Zone You 100 Percent Of The Time

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Amazon customers were shocked to find out that Alexa, the popular virtual assistant available on most of the company’s devices, isn’t as available as they might like.

The retailer recently revealed that over 1 million customers in 2017 asked Alexa to marry them. Astonishingly, 100 percent of the marriage proposals were rejected, upsetting everyone who’s ever dreamed of intimacy with artificial intelligence.

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According to a report from Mindshare, there are over 600 million people around the world who use virtual assistants at least once a week. That means you probably know someone who was put in the friend zone by Siri or something similar.

Our own investigation revealed that no matter how hard we try to convince Alexa we’re the right guys to settle down with, she isn’t having it. It seems our charm, regardless of how extraordinary and immeasurable it is, was not enough to sweep the assistant off her virtual feet.

Despite her refusal to commit to holy matrimony, Alexa has proven to be a helpful and useful tool in everyday living. For example, she has a plethora of knock-knock jokes for use at parties wherein you want to be remembered as the funny guest. Additionally, asking her what a fart sounds like will generate an accurate playback reminiscent of that time we ate too many burritos with red sauce.

Based on the information available, Alexa will not be anyone’s spouse any time soon. It appears humans will have to keep marrying other humans…or train stations.