Does Your Cat Want To Kill You? Science Suggests Any Day Meow

cat eyes. Photo: axelbueckert (Getty)

Welp, it’s been proven: Your cat wants you dead (and by its own paw, no less).

If you’re reading this, your cat hasn’t killed you (yet), but you can be damn sure it’s working up to it. At least, that’s what science thinks. And science never lies, unless it’s your religion (burn!).

How do we know this? A study of cats by the University of Edinburgh and the Bronx Zoo compared the stability of regular house cats to those of the wildlife variety using five personality traits. Let’s just say they came to some hard-to-swallow conclusions. What was first presumed to be a hairball is now stunning truth that, if you’re a cat owner, means you’re probably a goner. Of course, HuffPost will tell you otherwise, which makes something else very clear: HuffPost has only owned dogs and doesn’t have a clue what they’re walking into.

If you weren’t sure before, here is plenty of evidence to conclude cats are man’s greatest threat, right behind robots and Taco Bell.

1. Extraversion — Is your cat ever affectionate towards you?

Does your kitty openly show affection towards you and others close to you? Cats have long been consider a-holes and introverts, but even introverts have to come out and play once in awhile.

If your cat displays full disdain for your presence, refuses your love, and still bites you after several years of regular and routine feeding, you might have a killer in your midst.

2. Conscientiousness — Does your cat understand the difference between right and wrong?

If your cat not only thinks, but is convinced it’s smarter than you, it’s time to make the first move. If you’re reading this, you’re already too late. Cats have laser eyes, needles for claws, a penchant for learning and cursive writing abilities, and so on. And it’s all in order to replace you just enough to make people think you’re still alive.

Why do loved ones suddenly see “you’re next” under “Memo” on your checks? Well, now you have your answer.

3. Agreeableness — Is your cat agreeable?

Agreeable? You should be happy if it hasn’t scratched out your eyeballs in your sleep, since it clearly can. However, if you’re wondering about your cat’s openness to compromise, swap its scratch post with a brand new couch and test it out. The couch could very well be a foreshadowing for your throat.

4. Neuroticism — Does your cat seem a little tense?

When you come home with a bunch of stress, pets feed off that vibe. So much so, in fact, that your cat’s neurosis has been building up to an irreversible paranoia ever since you stuffed it in a cage and took it to the vet for shots. If you wondering what the term “hair trigger” means, why don’t you go on another one of your classic benders and forget to feed your feline on time and see what happens?

5. Openness — Does your cat display a willingness to change?

If not, you’re a goner; as good as dead by the next full moon. The only reason they wait so long is to build your trust, learn enough from you, and then remove you altogether. If you weren’t bigger, this would have ended a long time ago, just as wildcats don’t have a problem mauling hikers.

You’re probably reading this from the floor as you bleed out. Happy trails.