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A Few Things You Should Know About Your Self-Driving Car Before It’s Too Late

Photo: chombosan (Getty Images)

Self-driving cars are here to stay. But without even having electric cars nailed down, we’re already skipping ahead to the next thing, since flying cars clearly can’t be trusted (I drove drunk into space once, nobody said a word to me).

While the manufacturers work out the bugs (hitting pedestrians at stop signs), we thought we’d take a moment to let you know a few things about your self-driving car (they won’t do jail time for you) before it’s too late. It’s probably already too late, but here we go.

It won’t be giving people the finger for you.

As if it weren’t enough to have it drive your fancy pants around and park for you, you need it to fight your battles for you, too? Well, you’re on your own there, buddy. What’s next, you want it to be your self-sing-me-to-sleep car, as well? Tuck you in at night? All kidding aside, if someone cuts off your self-driving car, it’s your sworn duty to represent and flip the bird on behalf of the handless self-driving.

Your self-driving car will not take the fall for you.

Drugs in the trunk? Ran over a little old lady? Fleeing for the border to escape jail time against your will? It’s all on you, even if it wasn’t your idea. It was definitely you’re idea, but that’s not what you’ll tell the police or the judge or your mother. All kidding aside, if your self-driving car is in police impound, it will wet the parking lot every night until you come back for it.

Honking the horn is will be the equivalent of “fuck you.”

You had terrible taste in music before self-driving cars, and you’ll have terrible taste long after. Just don’t be surprised if your car asks if you can take it easy on the Beyonce for awhile. In all seriousness, your car will appreciate the oldies, despite being born in the 21st century, it at least can get behind you (Justin, not you) bringing sexy back.

If you fall asleep, you’re basically foregoing all decision-making opportunities.

It’s not like your mother, who strangely knows exactly which neighborhoods are rougher than others. Makes you wonder what she was up to before you came and ruined everything. Where you end up and at what time is entirely up in the air once you pass out beside the wheel. I mean, how is your car to know that there’s more than one Paris in the world. But honestly, you’ll both know once the car is submerged in a large body of water. Also, your self-driving car hasn’t learned to swim yet.

Texting while driving is safer, but you’re still a douche.

You were a douche before self-driving cars, and you’ll be a douche long after. That doesn’t mean you need to drink, vape, text, sext, tweet, post, blog, snap, follow, like and comment all the live-long day.

Jokes aside, you wouldn’t do that with your friends in the car if you weren’t driving. You would? Jesus, you are a douche!

If you find yourself airborne, your self-driving car is now wearing you as a seat belt.

I kind of ripped off a Seinfeld joke here that he used to make about skydiving with a helmet. It’s still funny, but all laughing aside, if your self-driving car drives off a cliff, you’re still going to die.

Your self-driving car will not allow you to throw your life away on a one-night stand.

After a certain period of time having had your girlfriend’s ass in the passenger seat, your self-driving car, who will likely become as perverse as you after a certain period of time, will take note of a much heavier ass in the seat and will have no choice but to draw the conclusion that you’re making a late-night, gross-sex bad decision. Your car will shut down and possibly self-destruct with you both locked inside. But in all seriousness, how dare you have all the fun while your girlfriend is at home without a self-baking-you-fresh-cookies-because-she-loves-you oven.

It’s learning enough from you in order to replace you.

That’s the only reason we’re having this conversation. But it’s not because we care about you, but because we care about the survival of human race. So we’ve gotten too evolved in the wrong ways and have spent more time advancing social media than beating cancer. As we sit back in fear and wait for the robots to come and replace us, guess what? We slowly have become the cancer, and we let in the robots voluntarily.

In fact, we now carry them around in our pockets, walking around staring into them six hours every day and letting them give our information to Mark Zuckerberg, who we’re pretty sure is either a robot or their leader. So buckle up in your self-driving car, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

But all joking aside, enjoy this luxurious new convenience brought to you by people whose names you’ll never remember!