Two Saturdays ago, there was a modeling seminar at a Doubletree Hotel in Kenner, Louisiana. Outside was one Mr. Robert Scott, a 78-year-old man dressed in a cowboy hat and a black shirt. Waiting. Waiting patiently.
Once an unnamed 29-year-old woman stepped outside, Scott made his move. "You look like a model," he said. "We should go out, I can treat you very well." She replied, "No thank you. I have a boyfriend." "Typical excuse," Scott probably thought, and said, "I can be your sugar daddy if you treat me right." And then the tough love: "Please get out of my face."
Scott then did the only thing he could. "OK, I'll get out of your face." He then unbuttoned his pants, turned around, and exposed his ass and back-end genitals. If you've ever seen the movie Waiting..., he performed the goat.
Scott was taken to jail and given a $5,000 bond.
Jesus was a carpenter, and so was Justin Keneston. In October 2015, the young man was out drinking in a public park in Myrtle Beach. Holding a Budweiser, he jumped into the Scooby-Doo van, otherwise known as the Mystery Machine, and mooned a gathering of parents and children. According to reports, there were many, many children.
Police were called. Keneston presumably couldn't get away fast enough due to its pants being around his ankles and the real mystery crew caught the perp. They noticed Keneston smelled of booze, had glassy eyes (which you can clearly see in his mugshot), and slurred speech. He was thrown in jail and held on $4,000 bond.
In 2013, Charles F. Helzer (we should give him the distinction of a middle initial) was in an Alaska airport. The California 31-year-old noticed state troopers hanging about and, under the influence of alcohol, exposed his ass at them. He then challenged them to a fight. Someone had obviously been watching too much Ice Road Truckers.
Liam Warriner is somewhat of a God in Australia. At least among his chums. The 22-year-old did something brave in 2011. The Queen was visiting Sydney. Warriner and his workmates watched as her motorcade passed. Once it drew passed Warriner, the Queen gave her famous wave toward him. Warriner then pulled down his trousers and exposed his hairy ass. In between his cheeks was the Australian flag. He waddled quickly along the side of the Queen until she got the picture. After the incident, he told reporters, "I mooned the Queen. I did it because my workmates dared me to."
"Everybody's seen someone's butt, come on. You see it on TV all the time, you see it in movies, it's accepted in PG rated programming these days, but yet it's an offense to the Queen," Warriner continued. He's got a point there. Afterward, he was arrested for public nuisance and willful exposure. He was also fined $750. It's a small price to pay for sticking it to the Woman.
Last week, Jordan Rihani, 19, of Chicago was arrested in a pedestrian mall in Iowa City. The idiot approached officers and screamed obscenities at them, as a pungent odor of alcohol wafted past their nostrils. The cops said, "Go home." Angry, Rihani flipped them the bird and dropped trou. A chase commenced. He would've gotten away if it weren't for him running into a wall. Cops found a bag of Xanax on him and fake IDs. Four simple misdemeanors later, and he probably hasn't learned a thing.
Jenkins, Minnesota is a small town. So small, in fact, that officers often run into perps they've met before. On the evening of January 1, one cop noticed a man's vehicle parked outside of a bar. That man was pulled over twice in the past three months for intoxication. As the officer called into the station inquiring whether this man was allowed into liquor establishments, a familiar face appeared outside his squad car. It was the 71-year-old in question. But it wasn't just his face the officer saw. It was the senior's wrinkled, melting ass. The old man apparently had had enough of Johnny Law. He fled on foot, but his pants weren't pulled up sufficiently. He started 2016 off with a bang, but it ended in a whimper from the jail cell.
One would expect a stank-faced drunk getting arrested for such a crime, but alas, 22-year-old Stephanie Sherburne faced the wrath of the law in the summer of 2015. Sherburne was on the road with her gal pals. NASCAR was in town, and traffic was heavy. A cop (party pooper) noticed that a young woman was crouching in the passenger seat, ass high, even exposing her genitals. The car was pulled over and the Massachusetts enchantress was arrested.
As the closing minutes ticked down during the memorable No. 3 Gamecocks loss to the LSU Tigers in October 2012, Charles Hattaway wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. The South Carolina football fan drove all the way to Baton Rouge for the game, and as expected, got tipsy topsy.
After the inevitable 23-21 loss, Tigers fans called security to report a man with his "pants hanging below his waist, using vulgar language." That man was Hattaway. As they escorted him down the stairs, he yanked down his drawers and mooned hundreds of opposing fans. He was charged with obscenity and released on $2,500 bond. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.
Tommy Lee is famous for ma number of things including Mötley Crüe, his penis, and mooning fans at nearly every show. March 25, 1990 marked the first and only time he faced legal repercussions for the latter. As the crowd raged in Augusta, Georgia, Lee took the stage in a G-string. In what was perhaps the most infamous mooning incident ever recorded in mankind, Lee bent low and let the audience have it. It wasn't as bad as Ozzy urinating on the Alamo, but it was close.
According to Sgt. Dave Bourbo, "We didn't really arrested him. He followed us down to the station, and he signed the citation and paid his fine. He could not have been a nicer guy, and the entire group was extremely cordial and even thanked us for doing our jobs." Lee paid $1,647 upfront and went on to bigger and better things. Having sex with Pamela Anderson on a yacht, for example.
In 2008, 18-year-old David Turano was set to graduate Briarcliff High School in New York. He wouldn't receive his diploma that day. Instead, as he crossed the stage to shake the principal's hand, he lifted up his gown, turned around, and flashed his naked ass in front of hundreds of students, parents, and faculty members. Seconds later, school administrators rescinded his diploma. Turano's mother claimed the school treated him unfairly for many years and this was his revenge. And how sweet it must have been for the boy.