Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
[spelling bee] Your word is “pneumonia”. “Can you use it in a sentence?” Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
— Me (@jesse_street) April 24, 2015
if you’re shy, the easiest way to talk to a girl is one letter at a time, through a ouija board, as a ghost
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 23, 2015
Flower (yelling at a really sexy flower 30 feet away): ONCE THE WIND PICKS UP I’M GONNA POLLINATE U SO HARD
— Vegan Zebra (@VeganZebra) July 20, 2015
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
— Tord ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) July 25, 2015
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
— Shawn (@CakeThrottle) June 3, 2015
I mean, Hulk Hogan’s bar dress code looks like he just watched mid-2000s rap videos & banned everything he saw. pic.twitter.com/cHGfgZu1l1
— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) July 24, 2015
What if we launch Pixels into space and aliens see it and think it’s a declaration of war and send back all our worst movies to kill us?
— Stephen Falk (@stephenfalk) July 25, 2015
Imagine respecting someone so little that you actually ate chicken wings in front of them
— Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium) July 16, 2015
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
— Sean Green (@seantgreen) July 7, 2015
it’s cool to think about a mama bird bringing her baby a lit cigarette
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) July 20, 2015
when she just not that into u pic.twitter.com/VqjKvcu4Ah
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) June 14, 2015
Girl are you Pluto, cause I thought you were cold and boring but now all these other guys are checking you out I wanna know all about you.
— Wilde Thing (@WildeThingy) July 16, 2015
You know what’s stupid, why do we only get two sets of teeth but unlimited fucking toenails
— Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) July 26, 2015
Whenever you feel that you have a bad body just remember that some people have bodies that are rotting underground
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) July 20, 2015
“Why is she playing so hard to get?” I wheeze, chasing her with a hatchet across a desolate moor. “HEY YOU FORGOT YOUR HATCHET IN STARBUCKS”
— Dāvids (@BumbleDC) July 22, 2015
[Trapped on a Island] *Message in a bottle* “Please send help!” *Gets message back, months later* “Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
— sighentology (@MarlonBrandNO) July 25, 2015
If you’ve ever let me borrow or, better yet, keep a hair tie just know that in my head we’re married
— Jamie Lee (@TheJamieLee) July 19, 2015
as a kid I had a hulk hogan figurine and his head popped off and I inhaled a bunch of weird dust that came out of his neck
— Josh (Josh) (@joshbupkes) July 24, 2015
Before Yelp was invented, it was just called “Donna who never stops complaining”.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 18, 2015
Air Bud looks awful these days pic.twitter.com/5fKMZ8kmcU
— Zachary Flynn (@zacharyflynn) July 25, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.