Meanwhile in the Olympics: Cross-Country Skier Becomes Second Man to Suffer Frozen Penis, Can You Get Disqualified For Having a Third Pole?

We all know how stiff the competition at the Winter Olympics can be. We just didn’t know it could be frozen penis stiff. But then again, the Beijing Olympics were full of cock-ups.

If you’ve ever wanted to know what it feels like to have a frozen penis but don’t have the balls to try it yourself, just ask Finnish skier Remi Lindholm who deserves a medal for what he put his body through. The cross-country athlete wasn’t bound for headlines when he came in 28th during the men’s 50km race. That is until reporters noticed the heat pack pressed delicately against his groin post-race.

According to Lindholm, “It was one of the worst competitions I’ve been in” in large part because his dick “froze a little.” Even the act of thawing his third pole brought little relief. While clutching his recently chilly willy, Lindholm recalled, “When the body parts started to warm up after the finish, the pain was unbearable.”

Talk about getting cold-cocked by mother nature. (As if the agony of defeat wasn’t bad enough.)

But that’s what happens when temperatures drop to minus 33 and men in spandex suits dick around for an hour and fifteen. In fact, the weather was so hazardous officials cut 20km off the course to avoid a full-on outbreak of icicle testicles.

Frighteningly, this isn’t the first time a skier has suffered from a frozen penis mid-race. Last year, fellow Finn Calle Halfvarsson nearly quit skiing when he, “did not freeze on fingers or feet but froze on another thing.” Begging the question: What kind of underwear do Finnish skiers wear? And can someone please get these guys some thermal knickers so we never have to hear about another cocksicle ever again? We have trouble sleeping as it is.

Cover Photo: Maja Hitij (Getty Images)


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