The Mandatory Good American’s Guide to Choosing a Side For or Against Joe Rogan

Let’s talk about the Category 5 shitstorm that is Joe Rogan’s public life. After becoming the most popular podcaster in America and selling his IP to Spotify for a reported $100 million, the beefcake comedian seriously divided fans with his unique views and oft murky information about the pandemic over the past two years. And now a video compilation of Rogan using the n-word has made the podcaster more questionable than a 7-Eleven hotdog.

The first wave of reactions saw a bunch of celebrities (like former presidential candidate Andrew Yang) jump to Rogan’s defense only to backpedal as they quickly (and correctly) realized that defending a white guy’s use of the n-word was a terrible position to take. Then, as the story caught fire, the internet began a pile-on with folks like Fat Joe coming out of the woodwork to call Rogan a “piece of shit.” Even pyramid-of-cheesy-mashed-potatoes lookalike Donald Trump couldn’t help commenting in favor of The Roganator (which is when you know you’ve hit a new low.).

All this opposing commentary has created a maelstrom of public opinion, making it impossible not to get sucked in. And with everyone taking sides, it’s important to know which side you’re on so you can Ambien-tweet the appropriate vitriol in the right direction. Because we live in a world where sides must be chosen no matter how little we’re invested in the controversy at hand. That’s why we’ve devised the handy dandy Mandatory Pop Quiz For Good Americans to Figure Out if You’re For or Against Joe Rogan.

Simply add one point for every question you answer “yes” then tally your score at the bottom to see where you land.

Cover Photo: Michael S. Schwartz (Getty Images)


If your score was 7 or above, it looks like you’re on the side of not picking sides. You see the world in shades of grey, possess a healthy awareness of your stress levels, and prefer to build bridges, not walls. For the rest of us, it’s time to fire up the WiFi and tear someone we’ve never met before a new asshole while sitting on our couch eating a pretzel.

After all, sometimes it feels like our only recourse. Because pinning systemic oppression on bonafide culprits like the prison industrial complex, Wall Street, and certain longstanding political groups is like pinning the tail on an invisible donkey. And going after misinformation machines like Facebook and Russian bots is the same as sending a small one-legged dog out to wrestle a polar bear on PCP.

That’s why we need a place to vent our frustrations by targeting low-hanging fruit like Rogan, a comedian who made his fortune convincing people to eat animal dicks. But will reinventing Rogan actually make the world a better place? Guess there’s only one way to find out.


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