Scarlett Johansson is 14

Scarlett Johansson has signed on to play Napoleon’s 14 year old lover, Betsy Balcombe, in the upcoming film, Napoleon and Betsy. The film picks up in 1815 and details the emperor’s final years during his exile to the South Atlantic island of St. Helena. Initially defiant and planning to escape, Bonaparte tries to enlist her in his fantasy to regrasp power, but eventually becomes resigned to his fate. Although history suggests this was a platonic relationship, the filmmakers appear to be taking another approach. The role of Napoleon has yet to be cast.

According to my junior high yearbook and visits to the mall food court, 14 year old girls don’t usually look 25 and have perfect D-cups. If they did, I would pretend I was a successful stock broker who was being hunted by the mob because I testified against them for insider trading, so now I have to hide out as a student in a junior high school because they want to kill me. After I letter in football and beat up the hitman in the gym, the judge won’t even care about the girl in the front row sitting on the donut pillow with the stretch marks around her mouth.

Scarlett on March 29th:


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