Macaulay Culkin Wrote A Book

In 1994, Macaulay Culkin abruptly disappeared from Hollywood due to the very public custody battle between his parents over the kids and their money. Kip Culkin’s, the children’s father, hubristic management derailed a once promising career that commanded over $8 million a movie. During this time, reports of bizarre behavior and drug use were rampant, and last year Culkin was busted driving across Oklahoma in a car full of marijuana and unprescribed Xanax. So the former child star penned a cathartic stream of consciousness collection of journal entries, drawings, poems and letters called Junior.

Some excerpts include the following:

“Imaginary, not inflatable, women are okay.”

“I cried about a steak sandwich one time.”

“Did you know I have a pet name for my penis [Floyd].”

“Drink orange juice, because it’s good for you.”

“Sometimes I feel like a 3-foot-tall, poverty-stricken, homosexual, handicapped, 50-year-old Muslim woman with AIDS.”

“I don’t know what the word ‘urban’ means anymore.”

I realize that Culkin had a difficult childhood, but the real crime here is he’s charging $22.95 for this crap. If you know anybody who bought this book, light it on fire then throw it at them. It can be your good deed for the day. Just this morning, I caught a handicapped guy trying to park in a regular spot. Can you believe that? I didn’t want to resort to violence, but he really left me no choice. Hey, no need to thank me, I just did what anybody law abiding citizen would have done.

Since he’s about to marry Mila Kunis, here she is in Maxim a few years ago. And Cuthbert is a much hotter blonde than Culkin.