Johnny Depp Wants Me To Touch Myself

Johnny Depp thinks people who gossip should stop chatting and start masturbating. He told Britain’s Loaded Magazine,

“This is a rumour-filled society and if people want to sit around and talk about who I’ve dated, then I’d say they have a lot of spare time and should consider other topic or even masturbation… I don’t care if they take my photograph. I don’t care if they take Vanessa’s photograph we’re adults. But when they start taking photos of my kids and putting them in their magazines that I can’t support. That’s why they should have the long lens – just make sure that you’re really far away because if I’m able to get my hands on you I’ll swallow your nose. I’d bite your nose off and swallow it.”

I want to take you seriously, Johnny. I do. But you said “masturbation” and said you’d grab me and swallow parts of me, and I simply cannot concentrate if you’re going to threaten me with a good time.

Update: Stories like this aren’t helping things either, Johnny. Good grief.