Jessica Biel at the ESPYs

Jessica Biel is so perfect she should be frozen and studied. Or at least used as a breeder. Some of you may scoff at the moral implications of something like that, to which I would fake a cough while barking out “homo”. To further discredit your pedantic objection, I would grab your wrists in front of the other members of whatever board is in charge of this sort of thing and demand you “stop hitting yourself”. The room would fill with murmuring and my powerful Aristotelian logic would win the day.

It’s like she’s one of the X-Men. And her highly evolved power is to give me a near painful hard-on, thus forcing any diabolical plans to come to a screeching and sexy halt. Here she is on the red carpet at the ESPYs the other day. The last two pictures are so close up you can tell what she’s thinking (hint- it’s about me!) and even with that, good luck finding a flaw.