Scarlett and her twin brother. Wait, what?

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I have to admit that the twin brother is an unexpected setback to Scarlet Johansson and I consummating our love. I’ve dumped women for a hell of a lot less than looking like their brother. I don’t need those confusing images in my head every time we have sex in the shower and she pulls her hair back. He may have to be … you know … “dealt with” before our blessed union.

Oh, and, Scarlett, honey, if putting on 20 pounds was part of your plan to keep my affections at bay… uh, it’s working. Even in a baggy shirt, in a picture taken a hundred yards away, I can see your stomach. You saying “are you gonna finish that” every ten minutes has never been part of my fantasy.