netflix bender
Asleep on the couch in a dark living room with the TV on.

Can You Tell The Difference Between A Netflix Bender And A Booze Bender?

Photo: Enterchrispecoraro (Getty Images)

Although heavy drinking is nothing new to the average American, binge-watching until your eyes fall out of your head is something of a new phenomenon. And the symptoms of the two are hauntingly similar, so much so that we’re having a hard time distinguishing the difference. Maybe you can help us out by taking a look at these symptoms below and seeing if you can tell the difference a Netflix bender and booze bender. It would be mean a lot to us.

Spoiler alert: You may not like what you find.

It’s been days since you’ve seen your pants.

You look down to find yourself astonished to have your privates covered for the first time in days. Maybe because you nervously sweat through your clothes when you get anxious, or maybe you just couldn’t be bothered to waste 20 seconds of your life on something so meaningless when there are seasons to be devoured. Either way, it’s good to be back, at least until you remember you hate pants.

You’re on a: Netflix Bender.

Nothing on this planet can wake you up the next morning.

It takes an army to get you up, and even when they do, you’re still passed out. Is it from over-saturating your liver with toxic fluids until you lose all feeling and piss yourself? No, it’s from starting a 10-season show after canceling your subscription, and now the clock is ticking. You become a marathon man without ever leaving the couch in a race against time.

You’re on a: Netflix Bender.

You can’t stop vomiting in public for the next 24 hours.

Did you pound down a hundred drinks after saying aloud several times that you were “just going to have a couple,” which we all know to be the kiss of death? No, you poured your heart into Dexter only to realize you wasted years off of your life from the sheer panic it caused you, then you were rewarded with one of the worst finales in TV history. You’ll never be the same, and you puked on your boss’s shoe.

You’re on a: Netflix Bender.

This won’t help your cause: Netflix Actually Wants To Pay Someone To Binge-Watch The Hell Out Of Everything

You stumbled into the kitchen at 3 a.m. for a snack, only to fall asleep there.

Flaming Hot Cheetos and ice cream before bed is the move here. Were you trying to mask the symptoms of a rapidly-ensuing hangover? No, you just watched the first three seasons of Lost, unaware how painfully long it is and forgot to eat dinner. You also forgot to eat lunch, breakfast and dinner the night before. In fact, you don’t know whose kitchen you’re in.

You’re on a: Netflix Bender.

You texted every ex you ever had until your phone died.

Did you have a few too many drinks last night? Yes, but that’s not the problem. The problem is you binge on Sex & The City alone as a 33-year-old man-child who likes to sip on Cosmos before calling up every ex you ever had to beg for forgiveness. Thanks to Miranda, you finally understand why your relationships fall apart (besides the fact you drink Cosmos alone) and now you’re texting this revelation at 2 a.m. That didn’t garner the responses you hoped for so you moved onto sexting. Now your phone is dead, and you have no control over the situation.

You’re on a: Netflix Bender.

You have a nervous breakdown when your 12-pack runs out.

A 12-pack is how we refer to 12-episode seasons, like Shameless or Stranger Things. If you’re taking down 24-packs, you’re either watching terrible Fox shows, like Prison Break, or something old school like Step by Step or Full House. Either way, it’s too much of a bad thing.

You’re on a: Netflix Bender.

You haven’t seen your friends in months. 

Speaking of Stranger Things, don’t you miss your friends? You haven’t seen them in God-knows-how-long. When you do, you steal their batteries to feed your filthy habit. You can’t be trusted around their children anymore.

You’re on a: Netflix Bender.

You have enough anxiety in your body to pass out just about anywhere.

Has your life spun out of control and led to a series of bad decisions made under the influence of alcohol? Maybe. But more than likely, it’s the fact that you missed your own birthday (and Christmas) because you were too busy binging (and re-binging) How to Make a Murderer because you’re too stupid to figure it out the first three times.

You’re on a: Netflix Bender.

You frequently urinate in public, and usually not alone.

Do you find yourself incapable of holding your overloaded bladder in between the bar and home? No, you’re urinating outside with your friend so that you can pee together whilst discussing how you used to really feel for Walter White and now you’re not so sure. You’d share the bathroom, but you lost your job because you quit going to work because you’re too obsessed with Vince Gilligan’s work and now you share a studio with your friend who you also share a bed with and he sleeps naked and snores and how did life turn out this way?

You’re on a: Netflix Bender.

You finally break down and search for local anonymous support groups.

You’ve got no food and no job. It’s time for help, and you know it. If most of these situations apply to you…

You’re on a: Netflix Benderand you need to seek serious help. Start by going outside.