A Realtor’s Nightmare: The Worst Fictional Places To Live
Tired of the suburbs? Are you and your family looking for a change of scenery? Well, with an open mind, this list of the worst fictional places to live are basically begging for people to settle there. There’s just one catch…okay, two…okay, maybe like a handful or so with each of them. BUT we’ve broken it down so you can make the best decision possible for your future resting place– err, home! Good luck!
The Worst Fictional Places To Live
1. Gotham City
The gem of… New Jersey? Gotham City is that dark, wintery, crime ridden paradise you’ve been dreaming of. Seriously, is it ever daylight in Gotham? Or just not cold and dreary? If THAT wasn’t enough to get you excited, let’s not forget that the place is filled with mob families, psychopaths, and a justice system so corrupt, we’re basically protected by vigilantes. But who knows, maybe Gotham is a culinary mecca for some of the best dinner dishes you could imagine. That is, if you’re brave enough to venture outside at night.
Some key attractions include:Marveling at the frightening gargoyles that are pretty much everywhere. Seeing a show at the Monarch Theater, and then taking a stroll down Crime Alley to call an Uber. How about seeing some of Gotham’s oldest architecture? There’s Arkham Asylum and Blackgate Penitentiary, which loosely attempt to hold some of Gotham’s worst criminals. Or why not visit Ace Chemicals, which… makes chemicals. And of course, the immaculate Iceberg Lounge, clearly run by the mafia. Got kids? Head on down to Amusement Mile and stop by the Joker’s Funhouse. You know, he’s that clown guy who tried to poison the water system last week so we’d all laugh to death. I don’t know why his name is still on the lease for that property, that’s just how things roll in Gotham City.
I feel like there’s something I’m missing. Oh, right: The Batman. If you’ve ever wanted to feel like you were living in one selfish man’s playground of fear during his fight on never-ending crime, you’ve come to the right place. Just ask Johnny Gobbs. Whether it’s being woken up to the blinding light or constant buzzing of his Batsignal (and being taxed for the power usage, by the way), or having your brand new leased SUV sideswiped by his Batmobile during some kind of car chase, the complaints are limitless here in Gotham. But we just deal with it.
To sum up, this city has a ton to offer: plants trying to eat you alive, riddles of death, some wacko hellbent on freezing the entire city, being forced to live out your deepest darkest fears — Gotham’s got it all. So if you’re flipping a coin on where to settle, choose Gotham. Or don’t, either way, Two-Face is probably going to kill you.
The yin to Gotham’s yang… sort of. Hey, at least all the bad stuff happens during the day here, right? Now THAT’S what you want in a city! Forget the fact that Metropolis is a magnet for alien invasion, alien takeovers, and… well, mostly aliens. Yes, once you get past all of that, it’s actually a pretty nice place.
Tailgate and catch a football game at Metropolis Stadium between Brainiac attacks. Pick up a Daily Planet newspaper and get up to speed on what alien destroyed what part of the city this week. Marvel at Stryker’s Island if Metallo hasn’t escaped and ruined your work commute. And if Darkseid and his parademons haven’t attempted genocide you can—actually wait, seriously? If I’m invaded by parademons ONCE, I’m moving to the damn outback. Screw my mortgage.
But never fear, because we also have Superman! Arguably the world’s finest superhero (who comes with the worst baggage in supervillains)! But wait wait, he can do basically anything: he’s super strong, he’s super fast, he can super see, super breathe, super hear, super fly, super… smell. Wait, can he super smell? Feels like that should’ve been a box to check off, I’m just saying — ANYWAY. He comes with all of that! And a pretty lame super weakness: rocks from his planet. But that’s all that’s holding him back, I swear. Well, except for reporter Lois Lane. He saves her a lot. Like, A LOT. Like, more than anyone else in the city. I guess we could add super favoring to his list.
Okay, so maybe it’s only nice to live here if you’re: A) Lois Lane, or B) Superman. God, no wonder Lex Luthor wants to kill this guy. I SAY WE BURY HIM!
3. Angel Grove
Want something warmer? Then Angel Grove is where it’s at. This place has it all: a great school district, a mall, a Kripsy Kreme, and oh yes, it’s got a Youth Center, baby. Stop by the oddly populated Juice Bar and tell Ernie “whaddup.” Ever wanted to try your luck in a karate tournament? Well don’t! ‘Cause the high schoolers here are clearly on PCP or something.
If you’re looking for a bargain deal though, the housing market here is at an all time low right now, given that there are no jobs due to there being no skyscraper office buildings to hold said jobs. Sure, Angel Grove has it’s occasional blips of collateral damage, what with the lady on the moon opening up the earth with her magic stick to create giant havoc-wreaking monsters. But we have the Power Rangers on our side; the good guys who summon robot Zords to fight said giant monsters. Yes, we’re in the crossfire and we have earthquake-like tremors on the daily. But the plus side? This usually always happens in broad daylight, so most of the fighting is done by 5 PM.
So if you’re up for dodging Puddies, Tenga Warriors, Cogs, Piranhatrons, Quantrons, Craterites, Stingwingers, Kudabots—actually let’s just move on, shall we?
Considering a world of ice and fire? Literally? Then consider Westeros. Because no matter what climate you’re looking for, it has it. Fire from the Targaryen dragons or from the flames of a guy who just burnt his daughter alive. Or cool down with the icy colds of the North or beyond the Wall. Just make sure you know the password to get back in, cause that climb suuuuuucks.
Then there’s the whole climate based around politics, betrayal, murder and sometimes incest… which you’ll find while living in King’s Landing, the capital and largest city in the Seven Kingdoms! It’s true, the iron throne has definitely gone through its fair share of changes in ranks over the years, but how many more Lannisters can be left to take things over? Two? Two and a half? Okay, relax! We’re talking about Tyrion’s lineage, people, not his height. So sensitive…
To sum up: sure, wherever you choose to settle, Westeros will surely have its share of deaths, there’s no denying that. But we still ask new residents to go into it with an open mind, since the dead seem to just come back to life anyway! And who doesn’t want to be a zombie, amiright?
5. New York (Marvel AND Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
We’re blending universes a little in this case, but it’s only to prove to you that New York is… a tough place to market. Whether you’re on Marvel’s turf or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’, you’re bound for a little discomfort.
Look, we’ll be upfront about it, like other superhero havens, this place draws out supervillains. But New York is like no other, seeing as a majority of Marvel’s hero roster resides in New York, so if there’s tons of heroes… well, you do the math. If it’s the Chitauri invasion that has you second guessing a move, or the crime family/ninja/Kilgrave/Punisher/Kingpin tornado in Hell’s Kitchen, just remember that the worst is still yet to come for the Empire State in that of Thanos (a.k.a. that huge purple dude sitting in a chair up in space, waiting very patiently to kill us all with his Infinity Gauntlet). Wait, you’re still here? Oh. Well, don’t go to any airports any time soon, either. The Avengers can ruin those too.
Of course, you could also find your way in a New York of the Teenage Mutant Ninja variety. If that’s the case, then you’re basically looking at your standard street crimes, Shredder attacks, dimension merges, and every day mall brawls. Of course, in a Michael Bay TMNT New York, there’s bound to be plenty of falling building debris too. But hey, there’s still an upside here, because New York still has rad pizza. No pizza vs. pizza with buildings falling from the sky? To us, the choice is obvious.
6. Jurassic Park
Well, dinosaurs kinda live here, so… I mean, it’s your call, really.
7. The Island from LOST
Okay, if none of those got you, then this paradise certainly will. Just like the Oceanic Flight 815 survivors found out, The Island is a truly special place. Not only does it look just like Hawaii, it’s… okay it’s actually Hawaii. But it’s still magical beyond that. How so? Ever had a broken back and then gotten into a plane crash only to find that you could miraculously walk again? Oh, you have? Well, that’s awesome. We honestly didn’t think anyone would have — look, we’re sorry, okay?
Alas, good things tend to come with a price. And the price for a miracle island is that not a lot of people can find said island. There’s the whole thing with a specific bearing you have to travel at, and that’s if you’re lucky enough to find a boat, or survive the journey. It also means if you leave, it’s preeeeetty tough to come back. So if you’re coming or going, it’s for life, and it doesn’t end any other way. Well, maybe a couple other ways.
Beyond that, all you really have to deal with are the basics of survival. Finding food and water, taking Jack’s side or Locke’s… or Sawyer’s… or Kate’s… Sayid’s… or whoever else Jack is not agreeing with, keeping the hell away from anything while it’s raining and staying on the good side of the “Others” on the island. Oh, and you can’t get pregnant on the island or your baby will die because of electromagnetism. Also, if you have kids, they’ll probably be taken from you by the Others. Also there’s a monster made of smoke that could murder you. Also, a little bit of time travel. Also, and this is kind of insignificant, but be warned, the place can get pretty clique-y, so try to keep up. Nevertheless, with an Island motto like “Live Together, Die Alone,” we’re wondering how anyone could say no.
8. Dr. Who’s TARDIS
“Time And Relative Dimension In Space.” Or simply a time traveling-spaceship disguised as a phone booth on the outside. And it’s technically a residence, given that it has bedrooms, wardrobes, living rooms and yes, a swimming pool. It is “bigger on the inside,” after all. However, vacancy in the TARDIS appears to have quite a screening process. Typically female, or a tagalong boyfriend of said female, sadly, the TARDIS isn’t for everyone… But if you find yourself lucky enough to be invited along for the ride, just consider the cons first before saying “Geronimo.”
Yes, of course there’s the obvious reason to live here: travel to amazing destinations in time and space. See the world a million years in the future — or past — or go hang out with Kurt Cobain the night of his death. You could do it all, just so you know that it is normally interrupted by life threatening — and sometimes world threatening — danger. Have a family or friends back home? Rest assured that they won’t know of your being gone on adventures, as you’re in a time machine after all, and can come back within minutes of them last seeing you. Do NOT rest assured, however, that they will remain safe from consequence. Normally when traveling with a Time Lord — THE Time Lord — you tend to make a lot of enemies. Ones that surely will go after your loved ones just to gain an upper hand on The Doctor. Aside from not being able to time travel and mess with your own timeline (yeah, we’re selfish here, so what?!), the other biggie in the con department is, you guessed it, death. Sure, The Doctor can regenerate himself, and always has the best intentions for you and your safety, but the truth of the matter is, not everyone makes it out of a war unscathed, and sometimes that means the Doctor’s companion. We won’t spoil Who, just trust us that this is clearly a cause for concern.
But bollocks to all that. Some people make it out alive! And we’d argue that the adventure is worth the risk. Maybe. I mean, honestly we’re not really sure. The Doctor likes fish sticks and custard… what kind of person is that? Ahh, whatever, screw it. Allons-y!