How The Presidential Election Would Play Out As A WWE Storyline

From the way this presidential election has played out so far, it may seem like an over-the-top, unrealistic professional wrestling storyline you would’ve seen in the late ’90s. But somehow this is the reality we’ve created for ourselves. We’ve had a full cast of completely ridiculous characters that keep cutting promos on each other that seem like they’re getting ready for SummerSlam more than debates. But how would this whole thing have played out if they were actual wrestling matches? Here’s how I would describe it so far, starting with the primaries.

Donald Trump vs. Jeb Bush – No Disqualification Match
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Although Jeb was thought to be a fan favorite going into the match, the fans were so uninterested that he had to ask them to clap when he entered the ring. Trump crawled from under the ring and immediately started hitting Jeb with a baseball bat. He constantly taunted Jeb and would scream in his face about how Jeb’s brother’s championship run was filled with terrible matches and bad ratings. Jeb tried his best to rally back, but Trump took advantage of the “No Disqualification” stipulation and ran over Jeb with a car. Some viewers were horrified, but many of the hard-core fans were excited to see blood in the ring. The “No DQ” style definitely suited Trump considering he had literally no in-ring experience and never applied a single hold the entire match. He just kept yelling the names of moves and people would cheer.

Ted Cruz vs. Ben Carson – “I Quit” Match
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The match was entertaining, yet quite confusing. At times, Cruz would just stand in the corner while Carson beat himself up and shadowboxed with no one in particular. When Carson finally focused his attention on Cruz, he was able to apply a vicious sleeper hold. It seemed as though Cruz was about to say, “I quit,” but instead yelled, “I’m the Zodiac Killer!” Carson started celebrating his victory by yelling, “He said ‘I quit’! He said ‘I quit’!” The ref only heard Carson yell “I quit,” so he gave the victory to Cruz. Carson didn’t really seem to understand what was going on anyway. After the match, he asked if this was a cartoon.

Chris Christie vs. Rand Paul – Leather Strap Match
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This match had a lot of hype going into it but certainly didn’t live up to the expectations. The way to win a leather strap match is by knocking down your opponent, then touching all four corners of the ring. Both wrestlers blew opportunities for big moves and Christie ended up pulling off the victory by creating a traffic jam so Paul couldn’t advance to the next corner, thus giving him the easy win. This certainly angered fans and definitely cost him in the long run.

Carly Fiornia vs. Mike Huckabee vs. Marco Rubio – Triple Threat Match
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In a match no one really wanted, Rubio pulled out a victory while most of the fans in attendance were taking a bathroom break or in line at the concession stand. At one point, Huckabee was in a figure-four leglock that he blamed on the devil and said he would have been able to break out if fans prayed harder. No one cheered except his manager Kim Davis.

Hillary Clinton vs. Bernie Sanders for the DNC Championship
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The two squared off in a ferocious match. They both started out strong, then Hillary landed a Pant Suit Stunner and everyone thought it was over. Bernie kicked out and no one could believe it. He rallied back with technical holds and a ground-and-pound attack until he set her up for the Berning Star Press from the top rope. He landed it, but Hillary somehow kicked out. Bernie staggered up and Hillary immediately shoved him into the corner. He bumped the ref, who was immediately knocked out. Hillary grabbed Bernie’s leg and put him in the Sharpshooter! Bernie wasn’t tapping, but even if he had, there was no ref. That’s when referee Debbie Wasserman came down and took over the match. Bernie reached for the ropes when Wasserman called for the bell! She said she saw him tap, but he claimed it never happened. The fans had a mixed reaction, but were truly excited to have their first woman DNC champ.


Chris Christie vs. Marco Rubio – Tables Match
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Before the match even began, Rubio and Christie were standing in the ring, and Trump’s music hit. He walked down to the ring sticking his middle fingers up at everyone and telling them to “suck it.” Most booed, but some fans were into being verbally berated. He got in the ring and started talking about how this is going to be a garbage match that no one cares about. Christie and Rubio turned to the crowd and asked them what they thought, but in that moment of being distracted, Trump pulled out an actual knife and stabbed Rubio in the leg — this might be a crime and not even a wrestling storyline anymore. Trump hit Christie in the back of the head with a barbed wire baseball bat, instantly knocking him out. The ref called the match, but Trump wasn’t finished. He woke Christie up and started making him eat dog food out of a boot. A few of the commentators said he’d gone too far and needed to stop, so Trump jumped out of the ring and started breaking chairs over their heads. Again, he had yet to do a single wrestling move, but his fans didn’t seem to mind. He left the ring as paramedics attended to Rubio and Christie.

Donald Trump vs. Ted Cruz – Hell in a Cell Match for the RNC Championship
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Trump was greeted with a mixed reaction, while Cruz was taunted with chants of “ZO-DI-AC, ZO-DI-AC!” He pretended not to hear them, but he definitely did. The match started and Trump immediately tried to run over Cruz with a lawnmower. Cruz barely escaped having his legs cut off. You could see Trump getting a little rattled, but as soon as he started losing a little momentum, a masked man dropped from the ceiling into the ring and started helping him attack Cruz! The two of them beat him to a bloody pulp until Cruz finally gave up and Trump emerged from the cage victorious. The masked man removed his mask. IT’S CHRIS CHRISTIE!? Why would the man that Trump just made eat dog food out of a boot now join his side? The answer is irrelevant because Donald Trump was the new RNC champion.

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton – Face Off
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In a very heated and highly publicized match, the two faced off in front of a huge crowd. Hillary kept going after Trump’s lack of wrestling abilities, while Trump would just wildly throw haymakers at her. Even if they didn’t land, his fans would cheer. He claimed they were tired of wrestlers and wanted someone raw and unpredictable. He even claimed that Bernie Sanders would join his new world order and called Bernie down to the ring. Bernie stepped into the ring and Trump talked about how he should have won his match against Hillary and how, if he weren’t a coward, he would join their group. Bernie looked at Hillary, then turned to Trump and took the shirt from his hands. The crowd was shocked! Was he really going to join Trump and Christie’s new world order? Trump gloated, but then Bernie kicked him in the stomach and hit him with the Pant Suit Stunner! Hillary landed one on Christie and they cleared the ring to a massive applause. The celebration was short-lived when MIKE PENCE came out of the crowd and hit Bernie and Hillary with a chair! MIKE PENCE was the third man! The group began to brawl when the lights went down and a familiar song hit. The crowd completely lost it. It was THE OBAMAS! Barack and Michelle are here! They came down to the ring and cleaned house. At one point, Trump’s wife tried to do the same moves as Michelle, but failed miserably. Trump, Christie and Pence fled, but swore everyone was playing right into their hands and they’d now be stronger than ever to finish the job and win the title. Hillary tweeted a GIF about how she wasn’t intimidated by Trump. Who’s going to unify the titles and become the United States Champion? We’ll find out in November!