An Open Letter to the Horrible Final Season of Dexter

Let me start out by saying that I have been a fan of Dexter since season one, episode one. I followed him as he battled the Ice Truck Killer (which sounds like an Insane Clown Posse diss track), the explosive confrontations between Dexter and Sergeant Doakes, the unforgettable moments created by the Trinity Killer, and, of course, the heart stopping decision Deb had to make when she had to choose between her brother and Maria LaGuerta.

On the other side I’ve stuck with Dexter through some absolutely horrendous plots. The whole “Julia Stiles in a barrel” season, whatever it was that Mos Def was doing, and every, single idiotic Quinn storyline I’ve persevered. But I looked past all of that nonsense and filler because this season was announced to be the final season of Dexter. This was going to wrap up everything and, with the unbelievable ending of season 7, I was ready to be completely blown away.

Uh, what happened?

This has been possibly the most uninteresting final season ever for a show with such an exciting premise. I find my eyes wandering from the screen during episodes over to my Blu Ray collection and staring at an unopened copy of You, Me, and Dupree that I received as a white elephant gift and thinking, “I wonder if that’s more exciting than this?” Really Dexter? A wacky Owen Wilson rom com looks more appealing than you?

In the beginning, the stakes were high every episode. Was Dexter going to get caught? Was someone close to him going to be killed? Now we get questions like “Where did Harrison hide the remote control?” or “Why does Doctor Vogel have the same old lady voice on those 30 year old tapes as she does now?” Let me clarify, I’m only this upset because I’m a big fan, but seriously, what is going on?


I think I speak for most people when I say that I don’t care about any Quinn storyline that’s ever been created. Yes, I’m still calling him Quinn, instead of Joey because he’s not a 12 year old trying out for junior varsity basketball. Great character development giving him a name that sounds like an Archie comic. We’ve spent more time this season following Quinn’s journey to getting a promotion and his dating life with Batista’s sister than we have developing an actual nemesis for Dexter to pursue! Give him the promotion or don’t, I honestly thought that character would have been killed off last season when we got a hefty helping of him battling international pimps and courting strippers.

WHO CARES?

In another riveting storyline, we get to watch Masuka hang out with a young lady who claims to be his daughter. Wow! Can’t miss a moment of that riveting tale. The big question there is whether or not she’s just after him for all the money he makes working in the lab of a police station. Maybe on the next episode we’ll get to see them go to Chili’s and study her eyes as she peers over the menu. Is she going to get an appetizer? Is she planning on paying for it? Why would she get the chicken crispers in the Choose Any Three appetizer when she ordered them as her entrée? I have to watch again to find out! The only way this storyline could be remotely interesting is if she is actually a medical experiment and switched faces with the Trinity Killer a few days before Dexter finished him off and now she/he is getting in with Miami Metro in order to kill Dexter. Yes, I would prefer that convoluted, idiotic storyline to whatever is going to come out of this awful Maury episode.

Oh, and I get that Deb no longer works for Miami Metro. That gives you a lot more freedom with her character and we can see the toll that LaGuerta’s death had on her. BUT IT’S GOING NOWHERE! I don’t care if the guy from “The Boondock Saints” is hitting on her. What was the point of that whole storyline with the drug dealer who was hiding jewelry? Character development? We get it, she’s downtrodden. You’ve made that point abundantly clear. Maybe next week have her go to a pharmacist and ask for pills that make you forget you committed a murder. That would be a great way to show how remorseful she is for killing LaGuerta.

Any moment of actual excitement is immediately suffocated. It’s like this season is being made so the preview for each episode will look cool, but nothing is actually going to happen. For example, a few episodes ago Deb found out Dexter was the reason for her father’s suicide so she flips out and grabs the wheel of the moving car, causing it to crash into a river. Holy cow! Is Dexter dead? Is Deb dead? Are they both alive but now mortal enemies set to destroy each other? Nope, they’re fine. Deb pulled him out of the lake and they’re cool now. WHAT? Here’s another example of big moments going nowhere: the return of Hannah McKay. I use “big moment” liberally there because it’s not like some forgotten, dreaded character for seasons ago that finally made a return. She was there like 7 episodes ago. It’s like everyone gasping when Newman showed up on Seinfeld. It’s Newman, we know him. He was just in Jerry’s apartment four scenes ago. Hannah makes her grand entrance by drugging Dexter and Deb! Oh man, this is going to be nuts! She hated Deb so it looks like she’s going to kill her once and for all! What about Dexter? Oh she’s after revenge, isn’t she? This is what I’ve been waiting for all these weeks. Let the fireworks begin!

There were no fireworks. There weren’t even sparklers.

Hannah goes through all this and she leaves Deb sitting on the floor. That was a waste of drugs, to be honest. Then, to make it even better, she dropped Dexter off on the side of the road a few miles away. Wow, what a minor inconvenience. He probably got his khaki pants dirty as well. That’s a trip to the cleaners, you sinister monster! You have this huge moment and literally nothing happens? Hannah does come to Dexter later and asks him to kill her new husband, which makes sense except for the fact that Hannah has killed seven people on her own without Dexter’s help. What a stupid way to ask for a favor. What if I wanted to borrow my friend Greg’s baseball glove so I put a roofie in his drink, dropped him off at the Wendy’s in between our houses, then called him up and asked for the glove? Is this how things work in the world? Am I the only one not doing this?

This is the FINAL SEASON. Things should be going absolutely insane. I watched the first episode of the final season of Breaking Bad and they furthered the overall storyline of the show more in 40 minutes than the first half of the season of Dexter. I’m not comparing the two because they’re very different shows, but you both have plots. Can you move your plot along also? On one, I see Hank finally confront Walt on being a kingpin drug lord while on Dexter I get to see Batista announce that it’s half price drink night at his terrible restaurant! What will the Yelp reviews say? Will the health inspector notice the kitchen violations? Tune in next week to find out!

With only a few episodes left I really hope I’m wrong about all of this and it was an elaborate rope a dope to set me up for something unbelievable, but I swear, if this series ends with some thrown together, ambiguous, garbage ending, I will complain about it continuously every time one of my friends mentions the show. That’s basically all I can do, it’s a weak threat. Seriously Dexter, we’ve stuck with the show thing long, blow us away with the last few episodes. If not, then I volunteer to be placed on Dexter’s murder table if it gets me out of another useless storyline. Good luck, Dexter.