Jessica Alba is Married

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In case you missed it, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren had a shotgun wedding in the Beverly Hills courthouse shortly after noon yesterday. It was a quiet ceremony with no family or friends present. There were no family and friends present because Alba didn’t bother to tell them. Surprise! Us Magazine says:

My sister!? I’m going to have to call her!” Josh Alba said when Us Weekly alerted him to the news Tuesday. When asked if Warren will make a good husband, Josh told Us “Well, he’s my brother in law now!”

I’d like to take this time to let Jessica know that she is now dead to me. I can’t believe that all of those pretend moments we shared meant nothing to her. Like when I slept with my Into The Blue poster for the first time. I thought we felt some sort of connection. But, oh, I guess not. I see how it is. I’m sorry if my love was just too much for you!

In honor of the new bride, here are some classic NSFW pictures of her rack at the VMAs: