Whether you’re a paid-up devotee who shares lists, embeds players and interacts with his favorite artists, or you just throw on anything from ‘Browse by Mood’ to drown out your cube’s ambient noise, you’re acquainted with Spotify — the music-for-the-people (sans Taylor Swift) service that’s now ubiquitous. But do a little digging around its recesses, and you’ll find some truly weird tunes. Here are 12 of our favorites. WARNING: Change your settings to ‘Private Session’ now, or be prepared to defend yourself.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Total Body Workout
Who wouldn’t want to listen to ‘It’s Raining Men’ while the Governator interjects “Down! Up! Made dat thigh muscle burn!”? With hits like ‘Don’t Stop Believin” and ‘Burning for You’ as well, this album’s sure to make it from your gym playlist to your ‘all the freaking time’ playlist after just one listen.
Barry McGuire – Cosmic Cowboy
What happens when you take a washed-up one hit wonder from the days of folk music, and introduce both a heavy diet of hallucinogens and a born-again devotion to Jesus? Barry McGuire happens. As does his part-folk-part-spoken-word-part-synthesizer-driven ode to his savior. And this perfect album artwork. Bravo, Barry. Bravo.
Overcoming Your Pornography Addiction — Subliminal
The Subliminal series on Spotify is one of the most perplexing. By listening to ocean waves or the sounds of a rainstorm, these albums claim a cure from your porn addiction, the ability to teach you to speak Welsh, help you overcome emotional eating, attract millions of dollars, and more. After hours of waves and weather, we still wouldn’t want you looking at our browser history. And can’t speak Welsh. And have crumbs on our desk from Chipotle purchased on an over-burdened credit card. Oops?
Aubrey Ghent — Can’t Nobody Do Me Like Jesus
Although I have no idea what our friend Aubrey’s instrument is called (My First Casio Guitar-cordian?), I am certain that this is the best album title in the history of ever. With fantastic gospel acumen, Ghent reminds us that “Brother can’t do ya; Father can’t do ya; Sister can’t do ya; Can’t nobody do ya like Jesus.” Word.
Love is All — Fight
Remember, if you will, the most painful Bar Mitzvah you’ve attended. The poor kid in the spotlight’s voice was changing, he couldn’t spit out the Hebrew to save his life, and the audience looked on in horror. Add to this memory a cacophony of electric keyboard music, and throw a live cat at a drum set. Welcome to ‘Love is All.’ We’re sorry.
A Mother’s Companion for Workplace Pumping
New moms may find it easier to express breast milk in the office bathroom when listening to the cooing sounds of a newborn, mixed on top of Enya-type ethereal muzak. We certainly enjoy our office bathroom time more with said Spotify playing in the background.
Peter and the Wolf — Wolf Tracks
If you’d like to hear the likes of former president Bill Clinton, former sexpot Sophia Loren, former Soviet statesman Mikhail Gorbachev and former Zorro Antonio Banderas reading the story of Peter and the Wolf, along with orchestral accompaniment and blurbs in Russian, look no further!
Porno Groove: The Sound of ’70s Adult Films
Play this entertaining mix, including classics like ‘Greatful Head,’ ‘In My El Camino,’ and ‘Sweet Juices,’ and see if you can place where you remember hearing the songs before.
Jingle Cats — Meowy Christmas
This is a thing. “Real kittens” purport to sing 20 of your favorite holiday tunes. Fancy yourself more of a dog person? There’s a companion album. As well as one featuring both puppies and kittens crooning. You really need to get out more.
Rufus Harley — Jazz Bagpiper
The world’s preeminent jazz bagpiper, Rufus Harley blows his way through snappy numbers like ‘Crack,’ ‘Eight Miles High’ and ‘Chim Chim Cheree’ with a tartan-clad exuberance rarely seen on the circuit. As he representsthe entirety of the circuit. Thank god.
White Dog — Triturate
For all that is holy, this raw sound of nothingness and pain makes our ears bleed. In fact, The Guardian described it thusly: “there is only immense, dissonant noise and unwavering ear-punishment.” The one use we’ve found for this album is blaring it against the wall to punish our neighbors in the apartment next door.
Kids Rap’n The Hits
If you want to listen to ultimate parenting, throw on one of the half-dozen albums of Kids Rap’n the Hits. There are special holiday editions, as well adolescents rapping, verbatim, the lyrics to Fergalicious, Hollaback Girl, I Like to Move it, and more. On top of cheesy karaoke tracks procured from a back alley in Kuala Lumpur. Consider it audible birth control.