The Mandatory Guide to Navigating Gender-Neutral Bathrooms
Gender-neutral bathrooms may no longer be raising eyebrows, but they are raising questions about the proper way to behave in these shared spaces. Breaking down the walls of prejudice and oppression is great. But let’s not let the wallpaper of etiquette be thrown out with the bathwater of bigotry. It’s important to establish the correct way of doing things before bad habits become the norm. If ever you find yourself lost in the wilderness of public restroom etiquette, consult the Mandatory guy’s guide to politely navigating gender-neutral bathrooms and gallantly hurdle any politically incorrect thornbushes that may arise on your way to the can.
Don't Wait Outside (It's Offensively Non-Neutral)
Clearly, it would be offensive to wait outside the bathroom when you could be in there making loud, smelly movements. In an effort to take down the walls built between us (except the actual stall walls), experts recommend we make use of a multi-person bathroom provided there is both a vacant toilet seat and the need to go. Specialists in the field also strongly suggest we eliminate negative bathroom phrases from our bathroom vocabulary altogether.
You know what, we take it back. Let's take down the stall walls if we're all shitting up this joint.
Muting Your Flow
While speed is appreciated to keep things moving along, it's even more appreciated if the volume of your flow is never higher than sounds akin to a babbling brook.
If you find that difficult, we recommend more frequency, as opposed to waiting, which we all know one of the "former genders" will make you do in a very long, frustrated line already.
Whistling While You Wee
Patrons are allowed to hum or whistle, provided the volume is equal to or lower than normal speaking levels. Anything party conversation or higher is considered yelling and will not be tolerated in a neutral zone.
Further restrictions include Smash Mouth lyrics, choreographed dance moves and stomping feet unrelated to "squeezing one last one out."
One flush may feel like enough to express a respectable level of courtesy while still observing water conservation. But any stragglers, brown residue or rogue hairs should be handled with a double-flush courtesy.
As for floaters and those of you too scared to flush once the area has been defiled, we appreciate you using the provided toilet paper to flush (or lie and just use your foot like the rest of us).
One person to a urinal, and no funny business. This includes swords, along with arching your flow and taking steps back to see who wins for Greatest Distance. It's not fair to half of the people in there, who can only win for Biggest Splash.
Meeting Your Acquaintance
This is not the appropriate time to discuss astrological signs, relationship status, political affiliations, the Loch Ness monster, theories of Atlantis, time travel or your ever-burgeoning peen after taking unspecified drugs.
In fact, hellos, goodbyes and "you dropped your tampon" are the only suitable phrases.
Mid-Vomit Hair-Holding Manners
Vomiting is still best practiced solo with the exception of hair-holding friends. Though the bold may feel the need to inherit the hair-holding responsibilities of the vomiting, it would best be advised you restrain yourselves and hold out for offering a stick of gum.
Emotional Support Etiquette
Should an emotional support animal enter, we respectfully request you disregard both gender and species and lay out one of the provided potty pads on the floor. Maintenance will be by shortly to spray the room with heavy amounts of ammonia.
Extra-Terrestrial Protocol (To Be Expected)
Lord knows what they've got going on but please be prepared to consider it neutral, as well.
Additional Restricted Activities
We'd like to extend restrictions to celebratory jumping, unlicensed dance lessons, forceful grinding, horizontal dry-humping, beard kissing, chest bumping and overall body touching.
We realize none of this is attainable so just continue to act like the animal you clearly are and let's all hope the mess isn't too bad.