Sexual Skeletons: 13 Things Most People Aren’t Willing to Address in the Boudoir
Sex is all fun and games…until it isn’t. Then it just gets uncomfortable and awkward. In an ideal world, we’d all feel confident enough to share what’s on our minds about our “sexperiences,” but we live in reality. While some partners are vocal about their proclivities and peccadilloes, others keep complaints and concerns to themselves. These 13 “sex skeletons” can really ruin a good thing if they stay buried. Start the conversation. Your sex life depends on it.
Cover Photo: People Images (Getty Images)
Everyone's nervous but no one wants to admit it.
Standing naked before another naked person is the most vulnerable thing in human existence. We know it, you know it, but we're all going to pretend it's not big deal. If you don’t cop to your nervousness, your body might convey it for you. In which case, honesty is the best policy.
The first time can be awkward, even if there’s killer chemistry.
There’s no greater disappointment than hitting it off with an attractive stranger, only to find that when you’re naked, you’re on totally different wavelengths. People’s sex personalities aren’t always discernible from flirtatious conversation or typical date activities. You might want to bump uglies a few times before you decide they're a lost cause.
Your partner’s body shape does not predict their sexual prowess.
A banging body doesn’t guarantee great sex. How many times have you hooked up with someone who you thought was the sexiest person alive, only to find that their hip bones felt like razor blades or that their heft smothered you when they got on top? Sometimes, the best lay is someone you didn’t find all that physically attractive in the first place. What makes a pair of perfect lovers is a mystery, and it’s often one you can’t solve until you’re deep in the act.
How you kiss matters.
Kissing is the beginning of all things sexual. Skip this step (or mess it up) and everything that follows will be off, too. It's tough to critique someone's kissing style, though, so if your partner is unhappy with yours, they might just cringe and bear it.
Dirty talk can go too far.
What people like to hear during sex is a matter of personal preference. Some are satisfied with the natural sounds of sex, while others need a running, naughty dialogue during the action. When it comes to dirty talk, less is more, especially when you're getting to know a new partner. You can always ask (during a non-sexual moment) if there are certain words that are off-limits between the sheets. Tailor your script accordingly.
Not everyone likes oral.
Shocker, we know. But some people feel too self-conscious about the taste, smell, or appearance of their nether regions to appreciate the sensation of someone’s mouth there. Other just don’t like the sensation. Popular culture would have us assume everyone is down with going down, but you might want to check in with your partner if they don’t seem to be blatantly enjoying oral.
They might be faking it.
As many as one out of three women has difficulty reaching orgasm during sex. Given how many things can get in the way of coming (exhaustion, stress, nervousness, overstimulation, performance anxiety, a full bladder, some other physical issue), it’s really a miracle that women ever come at all. Faking it isn’t always a malicious act. Sometimes she knows she can't get there but she doesn’t want her partner to feel like they failed. Or she’s tired and just wants to go to sleep. Or she might be embarrassed. Whatever the cause (and response), there’s no easy way around this. Ultimately, she’s going to have to come clean about whether or not she’s coming and you’re going to have to figure out how to fix that together. And while it might be harder for a man to fake it (see: physical evidence), it’s not unheard of.
That wasn’t a queef.
Do you know how hard it is to hold in a fart when you’re being ruthlessly pounded? No, you don’t. So let’s just call it a queef and save her the embarrassment.
Unprotected sex can be a turn-on or a turn-off.
Some people find unprotected sex downright thrilling; they love nothing more than the feeling of freely flowing cum. They think it's hot to play Russian roulette with biology. For others, if there’s even the slightest chance of unplanned pregnancy, they freeze up and can’t enjoy themselves. Birth control actually makes them feel uninhibited. The only way to know which way your partner leans is to talk about it.
Sex isn’t always about pleasure.
People have sex for a number of reasons, and getting off is only one of them. People use sex to de-stress, to forget, to procrastinate, for an ego boost, to get over someone else, to be touched (even if they would’ve been satisfied with a hug, they might feel pressure to go all the way), or to gain access to intimate pillow talk afterward. If you and your partner's goals aren't aligned, expect disappointment ahead.
Sex can be a trigger.
Unless your partner knows you well and trust you a lot, most people will keep past sexual experiences (especially the traumatic ones) to themselves. If your partner wants to take things slow, is opposed to certain acts or words, or has trouble staying present during the act, it could be because of a prior sexual assault. One in three women and one in four men have experienced sexual violence. (That's a lot of people.) Always ask for consent, be compassionate, and don't push.
Sex isn’t like pizza.
Sometimes, when it’s bad, it’s just bad. (Unlike pizza, which is good even when it’s bad.) If a fucking fail happens with a close partner, hopefully you can both just laugh it off and try again another day. If you fuck sex up with a new partner, the bad time might be the last time.
Sometimes, the best sex is with people you despise.
Hopefully, you’ll grow out of this. Sex really does get better over time with partners you know, love, and trust.