Husband Worried His Empowered Wife Might Be Done Faking Her Orgasms

The #MeToo movement might’ve been good for women, but for men like Kenneth Limpthroad, it’s the end of his sex life, or lack thereof. Historically, his sweet wife Debbie has been overly generous with her ooh’s and ahh’s between the sheets, but now the wild sounds of the bedroom have screeched to abysmal indifference as she begins to feel more empowered by her feminine community. Despite Kenneth’s best efforts (he stopped short and did a counterclockwise swirl at the end) to woo his woman into the end zone, but it’s been nothing but false starts, sloppy fumbles and interference for the poor bastard.

“She knows I always fuck a circle with a square, that’s just my style!” Kenneth told Mandatory. “In the past, she’s always given me some kind of response at the end, but lately, it’s crickets. Now, it’s like she has her own thoughts and feelings or somethin’, and I’m not sure I like her expressing those. If you ask me, it’s this #MeToo movement, or the government.”

According to Kenneth, the only time he’s heard her purr lately has been a buzzing in the wee hours. He’s also unsure as to why they’re always out of batteries. Upon contacting a respected professional sex therapist, we were told: “Kenneth isn’t alone in his paranoia, lots of men are finding out they have no clue what they’re doing. Most think a woman’s clit is either a myth or just simply cannot locate it, even with the help of a very detailed map.”

And they don’t even have kids yet. Just you wait, Kenneth.

Has #MeToo gotten #YouToo?

Cover: YakobchukOlena (Getty Images)