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It’s a terrible place that doesn’t even exist: the Tinder. With all the hilarious profiles and sexy Tinder girls, there is any number of horrifying things that can go wrong on Tinder. Let’s break down the 10 most horrifying things that can always go awry, then let you tell us about your worst Tinder experiences. We really and truly hope there’s someone out there who has matched with their relative.
Swiping Right on Exes
Everything was going fine for awhile. You were getting good swipe/per minute numbers, the wrist was feeling strong between stretches, and the quality of requited responders was in the 6 or above category. And then it happened, that old familiar face popped up, and in your hasty swiping technique, you went right on the one who wronged you. Abandon ship, abandon Tinder, abandon phone immediately into the nearest body of water. Goddamn exes, ruining everything even when you’re at least 100 feet or more apart.
Rematching With Someone You’ve Already Dated and Hated
It’s an amazing feeling to meet and connect with someone who gives you that fluttery familiar feeling. Oh, wait, that’s because you’ve already went out, had a couple glasses of wine and realized how boring they are, bailed with some lame excuse, split the tab because you’re an asshole and then removed their number from your phone. Two years later, here you are again trying to think of a lame excuse, hoping not to use the same one about your dog’s anal glands being inflamed again.
Mixing Up the Unsaved Phone Numbers
Hard to establish a connection when you can’t remember what the hell their job is, isn’t it, even though you know they’ve rattled on about it numerous time. They want to know why you can’t be open and honest with them, right? “Well, Teresa, to be perfectly open and honest, I thought your name was Pam and that you would be, I don’t know, a little taller and blonder?” Here’s a tip: If you’re planning on going out with the girl, save her number. Nothing more awkward than seeing her walk up to you, smile and come in for a hug while you respond with “I’m sorry, but I’m waiting for someone, miss.”
Super-Liking Anyone Ever
We always find it impressive when you can “super like” somebody you’ve never met. Is this the modern turn of phrase for love at first sight? Leave it to tech nerds to give it a nerdy label and add a button for it. This button reeks of quiet desperation, and if your excuse is that you accidentally swipes up instead of right, you must have a trick thumb. Better get that looked at before you “accidentally” run it up the butt without permission.
Becoming Eskimo Bros With Your Actual Bros
Oh, bro, no way. It’s bad enough when you become eskimo brothers one of your close friends, but when you eskimo bro your actual bro, that’s going to ruin Christmas, especially if you bring her home for the holidays and explain to mom how you met. Your brother will be eyeing her the whole time, making subtle suggestions about how he used to bang her. It’s like an episode of The Bachelorette, only you’re playing against dudes you used to share a bathtub with. The past is the past, bro, let it go!
We’re all one swipe away from that person who’s too good to be true. Then it happens, you found someone who truly gets you, makes you feel empowered about your mind and body, turns you on in all the right places. You go to finally meet, having a good hair day, and all you find is some creepy dude with one testicle who has a serious thing for blondes. If you can’t handle Adolf at his worst, you definitely won’t recognize the difference between that and his best.
Can’t see her face? Don’t care! If she has hair and a body, what could go wrong? You’ll meet someplace small and quiet, almost a shit hole to avoid being seen with her until you can better identify if she’s a three or a nine. The moment of truth comes and, guess what, it’s your mom’s best friend. You’ll never date an older woman again, but you’ll still stay to get drunk and hit on her once you both swear this never happened.
Running into Coworkers and Neighbors
Now there are five words you never want to hear, especially when you already standing next to someone you met on Tinder, or your mother (or her best friend). If you’re smart, you’ll watch how you present yourself on there (less is more), and you’ll be quick to dismiss anyone who is going to bring that strange world into your daily reality, that is, unless you want to bang your coworker and pretend like it never happened every single day for multiple hours on end. You know someone is going to get slapped with sexual harassment the second it’s mentioned.
We live in exciting times, no doubt about it. But with progressive movements comes the plight of mixing genders on Tinder. While we love a mixed bag of goodies as much as the next, it’s tough to take a leap into the dong pool when you’re more of a boob guy. Our advice: Tread carefully when you start swiping and be mindful. While nobody is in the wrong, sometimes certain facts are omitted. This does not justify asking a girl if her boobs are real, just so you know.
Missing Your Dream Crush
It’s not as horrifying as much as it is downright painful. You’ve searched all your life for your soul mate, you happen to find them (conveniently not far away, because seriously, who likes driving in any city) and they don’t respond in kind. Are you crushed? Sure, a little. Do you quit your job to make the rounds in her neighborhood waiting to coincidentally bump into her, then follow her home like that creepy seen in The Doors where Val Kilmer just followed Meg Ryan home and climbs in her tree up to her porch and kisses her? Absolutely. Good luck out there this year, single folk!