What Each Style of Condom Says About You and Your Penis

Photo: Photodisc (Getty)

If there’s one thing we all know about condoms, it’s that they suck. But there’s something entirely else you may not be aware of, besides the history of condoms, about what each style of condom says about you and your penis. Choose wisely, young seducers. And when you’re done with that, check out some weird orgasmic facts about condoms, just to keep it extra weird, kind of like the Meg Ryan GIF you’ll see right away.

Trojan: Non-Lubricated
What Each Condom Says About You
Your girlfriend has no problem lubricating herself, possibly because she thinks about other men during sex, namely not you.

Skyn Original: The Closest Thing to Wearing Nothing
What Each Condom Says About You
You’ll buy anything spelled with a “Y” when it should be an “I.” Is your girlfriend’s name Tyffani? That, or because it references a classic quote from “The Simpsons.”

Real Lamb: Real Skin-to-Skin Intimacy
What Each Condom Says About You
You don’t mind rolling the dice on an STD with a brand you’ve never heard of before to save cash.

LifeStyles Fun Bumps
What Each Condom Says About You
Any lovemaking session over 20 minutes ends with a “fun” UTI or trip to the emergency “fun” room.

Durex: Extra Sensitive
What Each Condom Says About You
Maybe you zipped up too quickly once in the past and now live to regret it every waking moment?

Night Light: Glow-in-the-Dark Condom
What Each Condom Says About You
You keep putting it in the “wrong” hole. That, and you have an affinity for Lite Brite and Nightcrawlers.

Glyde: Premium Organic Flavored
What Each Condom Says About You
Anyone who eats a black licorice condom truly understands how terrible actual black licorice is.

Trojan Fire & Ice
What Each Condom Says About You
You live in the Midwest and have to adapt to the seasons. Also you’re just now hearing about condoms.

LifeStyles Pleasure Shaped (AKA The French Tickler)
What Each Condom Says About You
It just means your partner might not be fond of your weirdly angled junk.

Durex Tingling Pleasure
What Each Condom Says About You
You know any spearmint tingle or minty aroma doesn’t belong near your pee hole, but you’ll do anything to get laid.

The Magnum
What Each Condom Says About You
Your girth is mistaken for length.

FC2: Female Condoms
What Each Condom Says About You
You have a penis, but clearly no balls.