Ranking The 8 Worst Things That Can Happen When You’re Sitting At Home Stoned

Photo: Kuzma (Getty)

On a day like 420, it’s important to remember to set aside some time to kick back and enjoy yourself, however you may (bubble sounds) choose to do so (exhales). But no matter how hard you want to push it all aside and take a moment to unwind, life has a tendency to be the worst roommate ever. Hence, any number of the following things can go wrong when you just wanna get stoned and chill out.

The Worst Things That Can Happen While You’re Stoned

8. Fall Asleep Immediately

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Don’t get me wrong, nodding off is a great way to end your drug-induced stupor eventually, but not to start it off. I didn’t even get through ONE episode of Workaholics? And now I wake up at 4 a.m. and realize I have to get up for work in three hours! I may as well have just taken a damn NyQuil!

7. Realize You Have No Food in the House

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To try and relate to individuals living a healthy lifestyle, getting stoned without having food (especially of the junk variety) in the house is very similar to going on your early morning jog without your personal water bottle — you aren’t going to get very far before resorting to #8 above. Fortunately, that’s what delivery is for. It’s a small inconvenience in the long run, and at least you didn’t have to drive anywhere. But what if you did?

6. Someone Needs a Ride

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As a guy who used to live close to an airport, I can tell you that giving rides to people is about the last thing you want to do after ripping it — both from a legal perspective and because you don’t want to move. Lucky for you, as technology advances, problems like this resolve themselves. If your friend calls for a ride, tell them you’ll order them an Uber. Worst case — they take you up on it and you’re out 15 bucks. Best case — they realize this would have been the easier option in the first place and you can get back to watching the Sanford and Son reruns you were right in the middle of when they called.

5. Mistaking Your Useless Stoner Thoughts For Actual Good Ideas

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Don’t get me wrong, I think the world would be a better place if they made ketchup packets the same size as salad dressing packets because it would save everyone the time it takes opening up four to six small individual packets, but this still isn’t going anywhere. Yeah, you took it all down as a note in your phone and labeled it “Geniuos Ketchup Idea” (with “genius” spelled wrong and all), but are you really going to do anything with the idea from there? No. Are you going to tell it to anyone in a position to make it happen? Probably not. Stop wasting your precious stoned time. Either make it into a funny Hits Blunt meme or get back to browsing Tim & Eric videos like the irresponsible person you are.

4. A Knock At the Door

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Goddammit! I just wanted to sit alone in my home and watch old cartoons on the Boomerang network without having to interact with anyone or feel ashamed. I’ve already shut myself off from society and turned off my phone. Now you have the audacity to come knocking at my door? All I wanted was my little peace and quiet. Was that too much to ask?… Oh, it’s the pizza guy. Sweet! If it had been literally anyone else, this would have been the exact nightmare I was making it out to b– you son of a John.

3. Minor Injury

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To those of you fortunate enough never to hurt yourselves while baked, congratulations are in order. It’s certainly no picnic, especially when blood is drawn. Sure, an injury, no matter what the actual damage, is no fun with or without the aid of marijuana, but for some reason it is that much more unbearable while high. You can’t stop thinking about it. Even something as minor as a nick while shaving has the potential to get you real queasy, real fast. Then again, what the hell are you doing shaving right now anyways?

2. Hear a Strange Noise

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On the flip side of the whole “knock at the door” angle is the paranoia angle. That’s when instead of getting pissed at the prospect of strangers beckoning at odd hours of the night, you suddenly begin noticing every creak and crack your place has to offer as you revert back to your four-year-old self seeing the VHS cover to Child’s Play 2 for the first time. Only now, you’re an adult, so swap out a killer doll with actual serial murderers you’ve read about and amplify that fear of them breaking into your home and killing you times 100. Of course, you’ll eventually calm down and realize you’re only freaked out because you must have some really good stuff…of course, that’s when the murderer always strikes!

1. Parents Call

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If there’s one thing to fear even more than being bludgeoned to death by a madman, it’s talking to your folks after peeling off a fresh bong load. Yes, you’re an adult; you can make your own decisions, but you still don’t want to get caught. Even though it’s gotta be painfully obvious that you’re just bluffing your way through the conversation right now. I mean, your mom just spent the past 20 minutes telling you every mundane detail of her day-to-day life, and you followed it up with, “So, how’s your week been?” because you were so preoccupied trying to act normal, you weren’t paying any attention. Talk about a vicious cycle.