The 10 Types Of Women Every Man Dates In His Life
You date a few duds before finding “the one.” Fairy tale narrative compares these dating foibles to “kissing a lot of frogs before finding your prince” concerning the fairer sex, but guys have done the same. We just don’t use such a colorful metaphor. Anyone who has seen the show ‘Man Seeking Woman,’ knows that all men go through their own share of dating misadventures in our quest toward finding the one. Here are ten types of women every man will date in his lifetime.
1. The Stage-Five Clinger
We’ve all been with this girl. Probably more than once. She’s the reason you don’t bring your phone with you for fear of incessant calling in the rare instances you’re allowed out, and her ultimate goal is to rid you of all friends so she can have you, her [insert nauseating pet name here], all to herself.
2. The Girl With The Intimidating Family
This girl has six older brothers and a dad who could smash your skull in for fun. Dating her has gone smoothly, but you’re apprehensive to meet the family because her older brothers all resemble “Of Mice And Men’s” Lenny and she’s the only daughter, so they’ll protect her with their lives — even if that means ending yours.
3. The Party Girl
She’s a sloppy, drunken mess. If it’s the weekend, she’ll be out with her girls, pounding shots of Grey Goose and Snapchatting photos of the evening so she can remember these events the following morning. You liked her because she was fun — you probably met her at a bar — but you don’t talk much because whenever you even attempt to engage in a conversation she passes out at the bar and is then escorted out by security.
4. The Quasi-Nun
While a free, sober ride home from the pub sounds appealing, dating a girl who doesn’t drink (or do much of anything aside from cuddling you and speaking in a baby voice) means she will eventually resent you for partying. This is the girl who will make you feel guilty every time you go out with the guys and will only consent to sex if you’ve done everything right by her.
5. The Girl Who Thinks She’s The One
She wants to settle down and get married, like, yesterday. Since you’re the current dude in her life, she’s pressing fast-forward on this relationship. It will take just a few months before she asks where you see this relationship going, and if she doesn’t hear what she wants to hear, you’ll hear her 80th monologue on why you two are perfect together without so much as getting a word in edgewise.
6. The Insecure Hot Girl
She’s gorgeous, but super insecure. It takes her hours to get ready, she’s a total drama queen, and she always wants to have sex with the lights off. On top of these atrocities, she’s jealous as hell, asking the identities of any and all women in your presence and incessantly accusing you of cheating on — or not loving — her.
7. The Catfish
If you’ve dated in the digital age, you’ve undoubtedly dated a catfish (basically, somebody who greatly misrepresents themselves online). These lies could be directed toward their appearance (lying about age, posting images of themselves 10 years ago), or they could even be misrepresenting themselves emotionally, saying they’re “not the jealous type” or they’re “not looking for anything serious.” Within a date or two, the catfish is usually exposed for the lowest form of human scum they are, and are sent on their merry way to ruin someone else’s dating life while settled in a dark basement in their parent’s home.
8. The Social Media Enthusiast
You’ve gone on a few dates, and the relationship is already Facebook official. On Instagram, you’re her #mcm every Monday and any opportunity you have for a photo op, she’ll take with the enthusiasm of a tween attending a Taylor Swift concert, taking hundreds of photos until finding the one she looks best in. After that, she’ll fiddle for hours on end with photo adjustments and filters. When the image is finally posted and you don’t “like” it, you guys are pretty much over.
9. The Town Bicycle
You went on a few dates with this girl and she seemed pretty cool. It’s just an added bonus she’s super hot as well. Unfortunately for you, she’s earned herself a reputation around town and you’re the chump who’s taking this very “popular” lovely lady on a date to get in her pants while everybody else had put much less — if any — effort into doing the same. Wherever you go, gentlemen callers will approach your date and speak to her in a somewhat awkward yet inappropriate tone evidencing that he, too, has bed the person you’re currently dining with.
10. The One You Settled For
You’re not really attracted to her physically and her personality is kind of okay, but you figure time is running out and you probably won’t do much better than her anyway. As such, you date her a while longer to see if time can somehow spark feelings of attraction with your far less romanticized version of “the one.”
In “Man Seeking Woman,” it’s not the women who are at fault, it’s the show’s protagonist Josh (Jay Baruchel) screwing up numerous love connections. Watch Josh flub his way through dates, awkward encounters, and every other type of female interaction as he looks for “the one” during Season 2 of “Man Seeking Woman,” Wednesday’s at 10:30pm on FXX.