Facts That Will Make You Feel Fantastic About Your Penis

You love your penis, but you aren’t in love with your penis. Well, that’s a shame. While there are more growers than showers on this here planet, we should appreciate our penises for what they are: tools to reproduce – or for more recreational reasons, to shoot into a condom and/or tube sock. If you are a man who isn’t so fond of his dangling manhood – be it its size, shape, color, nickname, etc. – the facts below will detail how great the penis is regardless of less attractive aesthetic qualities.

Man has the biggest wiener in the primate family.

If you don’t believe yourself to be large in the dong department, you can seek solace in the fact that, compared to our ancestors, humans are hung like horses. It’s true. The penis size of the average gorilla – you know, those massive intimidating creatures of the forest – is three centimeters. That’s right: centimeters. The average chimp, on the other hand, does a tad better in comparison, measuring at eight centimeters on average. Humans measure at 13 centimeters, making us more than four times the size of a gorilla’s wiener, and nearly twice as large as a chimp’s. On top of that, we’re also known to be significantly girthier, which is what the ladies say really matters.

Your balls manufacture a lot of valuable semen for no pay.

They may not be pretty, but these oval shaped minions work their asses off so we can reproduce tiny versions of ourselves who we may then deny on the “Maury” show. In an average load, a man’s ejaculate contains 50 million sperm which shoots at a speed of 28 mph. As if that weren’t impressive enough, a man will manufacture over 14 gallons of ejaculate in his lifetime – that’s like, 14 paint cans of man juice. You could paint the whole house! Add to the fact that people are willing to pay top dollar for the stuff. According to NW Cryobank, sperm donors can earn up to $1,000 a month making a deposit two to three times a week. Not a bad side venture if you’re low on rent or beer money.

Japan hosts an annual festival to honor the penis.

Each Spring, Kawasaki Japan celebrates Kanamara Matsuri, the “Festival of the Steel Phallus” which is exactly what it sounds like: a massive festival honoring the almighty penis and fertility. The festival is essentially a massive bachelorette party filled with penis shrines, penis candy, penis statues, penis candles, and pretty much any other product that could be turned into a penis for profit. According to the BBC, this celebration dates as far back as the 17th century, when prostitutes were said to have prayed for protection from sexually transmitted infections at Kawasaki’s Kanamara Shrine.

Your penis is so precious you can insure it for millions.

Your penis has value, especially if it becomes a money-making asset. British porn star Keiran Lee notoriously insured his penis for $1 million dollars, (which worked out to roughly $100,000 per inch). The adult film star has acted in well over 800 films, many of which are filmed by Brazzers, who paid the bill. The strangest part about this policy is that Lee doesn’t see any cash if his penis is injured – which could definitely happen when banging seven women in the back of a ’70s van – he will only see these funds if he “loses” the thing. Which I would assume is unlikely. But guys: even though his schlong is twice the size of the national average and he’s bedded the sexiest porn stars on the planet, doesn’t mean his wiener is any better than ours. We can insure the damn thing if we want to as well.

Our penises used to have spines, so let’s be thankful that’s no longer the case.

Some animals have what’s called an os penis, which contains a bone so the creature can remain erect long enough to deliver sperm to the female. Most primates have these, but we (humans) don’t – at least not as of six million years ago, thank you very much. When ready to reproduce, the bone pushes its way out of the creature’s body to provide the semen to the female’s reproduction system, and recoils back into the stomach when the deed is done. Other animals (including the chimpanzee) have spines in their penises, which are tiny ridges made of hard tissue known as keratin, and line the outline of a penis – kind of like those studs you find on belts at Hot Topic, only on a penis.

Your penis is bigger than the eye can see.

That’s correct. While it would be nice to have the full length of our penises hang outside of the body, that’s just not going to happen if you ever want to have an erection. You see, half of your penis actually sits inside your body. Like an oak tree, a penis also has roots and this hidden half of the penis plays the role, so if you really want to impress a lady, multiply your exterior size by two. Technically, you aren’t lying.

Related: The Life of a Man’s Penis Has Ups and Downs


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