13 Unexpected Things That Happen When You Turn 30
Aging sucks, but the alternative is death, so I guess we just have to deal with it. When you’re a kid you can’t wait to grow up and make your own decisions, but once your 20s start coming to a close you start praying for time to stop so you don’t turn to dust like an increasingly tired vampire in sunlight. Here are 13 things all of you in your 20s can look forward to when you turn 30. Good luck!
1. You don’t want to be out past 9pm.
Staying out all night long sounds more like a threat than an invitation for a good time. If you don’t get a solid 8 hours then your body is going to crumble like a poorly constructed game of Jenga the next morning.
2. You’re more excited about shots of B12 than shots of alcohol.
That B12 is going to make you feel healthy for a month. That Patron is going to cause your head to feel like it’s in a microwave oven for two days.
3. All of your favorite childhood shows are now considered classics.
Before you know it, the shows you remember watching live and the bands you saw when they first started touring start showing up on classic stations and younger people don’t even know who they are. Seriously, “Full House” is considered classic television now. “FULL HOUSE!”
4. Speaking of which, your taste in television programming becomes more questionable.
You start to have an uncontrollable urge to watch “Law & Order,” “CSI,” “Dateline,” and any other crime-solving show. Before you know it your DVR is full of “American Pickers,” “Pawn Stars,” and the local news, completing your total transformation out of the 18-29 target demographic.
5. You can no longer eat anything and everything.
Remember how you could eat whatever you wanted at any time of day and it wouldn’t affect your weight at all? Hahaha that’s gone forever. Now if you eat a Quarter Pounder, you gain two pounds, which, mathematically makes no sense whatsoever, but is somehow your life now.
6. Your body makes horrible noises.
Your body starts clicking and popping in places that you didn’t know you could click and pop. Sometimes it’s so loud you get a little scared that something may have popped out of place or that a bone just fell off. You’re like dilapidated Skeletor.
7. Bars are way too loud.
The first thing you look at on a restaurant or bar’s Yelp review is the noise level. Nothing is worth standing in a crowded bar screaming at each other for three hours anymore. If it’s loud, you’re probably already out the door.
8. You don’t understand *shakes fist* those crazy kids!
Teenage trends become completely baffling. You never thought you’d become the equivalent of an old man yelling on his lawn, but what passes as popular music and entertainment will send you on an angry rant about “real music” and before you know it you’ll start mumbling the dreaded, “back in my day” phrase.
9. The day after exercising is brutal.
When you were young you could participate in a marathon and then get up the next morning ready to go all over again. Once your 30s hit, you’ll find yourself getting sore from things like bending over to tie your shoes too quickly or thinking about walking up multiple flights of stairs.
10. Actually, so is simply trying to stand up.
Every time you get out of a chair, or even the seated position, you’ll start making that, “Arrrrghhhhurgghhh” sound your dad used to always make. You won’t even realize you’re doing it and it happens even if you aren’t struggling to stand. It’s like the war cry of the aging.
11. Doing nothing is the greatest.
Having no plans on the weekend went from being a social nightmare to the most exciting and satisfying thing that could possibly happen.
12. Hair grows in places you don’t want it.
These random hairs start growing in places where hair normally does not grow. Like, why is there a three-inch hair coming out of your shoulder???
13. You can’t stand 22-year-old you.
Despite all the things that seem like problems, you start to realize that you were pretty much an idiot in your 20s and the things that seemed like such a big deal really don’t matter at all. Plus you’ve started quoting your parents, which brings things full circle as you have now officially become your mom or dad.