The Apple Watch is a Bit of a Ticking Time Bomb So Far

Not since the underwear patch that makes your farts smell like mint have things been so good, but now Apple Watch is starting to reel in some bugs, and — to no surprise — there are quite a few. Apple has only shipped a fraction of its pre-orders, and already the damn Apple Watch is stockpiling a list of people’s glitches and expectant battery woes. For the first stab in the dark at wearable technology of this caliber, Apple surprised folks with what it’s capable of, but with that comes the terrifying tales of adverse reactions, unexpected issues and possibly unsolvable quandaries.

Charging Issues
Gear, Tech, Apple
One of the most recurring issues is the watch’s failure to continually charge properly. Users have been threading like tech junky addicts on Apple’s support page, claiming their watch says it’s charging (via its MagSafe wireless charger) but when they go to use their new wearable watch piece, its power is nowhere to be found. The remedy offered to fix the bug is to restore the watch back to its original, stock settings (General > Reset > Erase All Content), which causes the user to lose everything they had set up or saved. It’s like the first iPod all over again!

Tattooed, You’re Screwed
Who would have thought that being trendy could cause a riff with Apple? If your forearm is heavily saturated with black ink, it may be difficult for the Apple Watch’s sensor to read and react properly, especially for the health related apps. Black tatted folks are having trouble getting their watch to unlock, as well as not receiving the soft touch notifications everyone else is getting. To remedy the failed heart rate recording, Apple is suggesting people get a Bluetooth chest strap. That sounds like fun…and more money. Might be easier to get your tattoo removed.

iPhone Battery Issues
The Apple Watch comes with an 18-hour battery life, which is holding strong for people who can get theirs charged, but some folks are finding it difficult to keep the juice up on their iPhones now too. Apple Watch is only effective when it’s connected via Wi-Fi and Bluetooth to a user’s iPhone, and despite rumors that the watch is taking some of the heat of constant notifications off their iPhone (thus having more battery at the end of the day), others are claiming that the heavy use of Apple Watch drains all the life out of their iPhone too.

Anyone who has owned an iPhone knows Apple has had problems with quickly draining iPhone batteries in the past. You can check your iPhone’s battery usage in your settings to find out what uses the most battery. If your Apple Watch is taking up more than a third of your iPhone battery, you might be riding into the iPhone danger zone.

Skin Irritation and Rashes
Gear, Tech, Apple
If you’re not getting rashes from your lover, that doesn’t necessarily clear you from being too close with your Apple Watch in what is now being referred to as Wrist-Gate. Complaints of allergic reactions and red splotches have come in from Apple Watchers who have both the Sport and Edition models. Odds are that people working out with the Sport might be wearing theirs too tightly, and the sweat and tightness of the Apple Watch together might be causing some skin rashes. There have also been small traces of nickel found in the metal of the watch, so even the expensive models like Edition are giving people adverse reactions. That, or they have “the herp” and they’re using Apple as a scapegoat. Let those wrists breathe!

Discoloration & Scratch Marks
Like the iPhone 5 model, people are claiming that the Apple Watch and its bands easily scratch during daily use, and some have even claimed the watch was delivered to them scratched. Apple refuses to refund or exchange scratched bands, referring to it as “expected behavior.” Some watch owners are claiming theirs shatters when dropped. Well, that kind of makes sense. You have to take care of your shit, you abusive techies. But of course, somebody has already shattered theirs, like the idiot who dropped the first iPhone 6.

Other users are claiming that, in addition to skin irritation, their watch bands are discolored already, in what is now being called DiscolorGate. Come on, guys, we’ve got to come up with some better names for these catastrophes.

Queasy Psychological Horror
Gear, Tech, Apple
This is by far the best complaint so far: “The Apple Watch screensaver looks like ‘an irregular pattern of holes,’ sort of resembling a beehive. Focusing on it makes them feel queasy or fearful. This is known as trypophobia, and it may have to do with a part of your brain misidentifying the hole clusters as a ‘poisonous animal,’ according to the Association for Psychological Science.” So it seems like crazy people are buying the Apple Watch too.

Complicated Setup
A general complaint from some people, most likely older folks who just learned how to use the Internet, is that the Apple Watch has a complicated setup. To those people, we simply suggest they go back to the rotary phone and forget this ever happened, unless you like waiting for phone support or standing in an Apple store for hours on end, watching what’s left of your life slowly wither away.

Gold Rush
Apple’s new timepiece comes in a (high-end edition) that runs upwards of $20k with its 18-carat gold body, which could result in Apple using up 756 metric tonnes of gold each year for its Apple Watches. Is that a lot? We think yes.

According to Bloomberg View, Apple will take up a hefty percentage of the world’s gold (up to a third) with each year that it sells the high profile Apple Watch, assuming people actually want it and continue to buy it. What might this mean for the price of the Apple Watch on down the road? Who knows, but it’s doubtful to be good.

Delayed Phase Two
Gear, Tech, Apple
Another round of the Apple Watch release is set for June with a staggered, delayed delivery of the first round still in progress. Between now and then, Apple is hopeful to fix some of the initial errors, of which there are apparently more than anticipated. Despite the somewhat harrowing spectrum of problems, the Apple Watch is hard to find as it’s out of stock anywhere you look, selling more than a million timepieces on its first day of pre-orders alone.

The watch is exclusively available online for now, but amid all the reports of bugs, Apple is working hard to increase their supply, as Apple Watches are back-ordered a minimum of 3 to 5 weeks for the cheaper models, some longer. Apple reportedly added a pick-up option for American buyers who can go to the store to grab their online orders, but there’s probably a 3 to 5 week line of unhappy customers trying to get their fucking watch fixed now too. Good time to be a loyal Apple lover!