A wedding is a magical day for a couple. It’s a day they’ll remember for the rest of their lives and cherish the memories forever. Unfortunately for the rest of us, it’s miserable. We’ve seen all this stuff a million times before and all we want to do is go home. Here are 13 of the most annoying and frustrating things that happen at a wedding.
1. Your Entire Saturday Is Wasted
The bride and groom know that as soon as the wedding is over they’re going right off on a 10-day cruise for their honeymoon. Meanwhile, the rest of us just spent our one-day off watching a 9-minute video montage of the couple through the years set to “Time of Your Life” by Green Day. Thanks a lot for that.
2. You Have to Buy a Suit or Dress
This is much worse for the girls in the wedding party, because they have to dish out big money for a pastel formal gown they’re never going to wear again. But even if you aren’t in the wedding party, who wants to spend their entire Saturday wearing the most uncomfortable shoes ever created? If someone invents a pair of slippers that look exactly like men’s dress shoes, he or she will be the richest human alive.
3. That Never-Ending Delay Between the Wedding and the Reception
I know that the wedding party has to get their pictures taken for 8 hours, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us have to sit out in the sun the whole time. We can eat those mini hot dog things without being in your presence, I swear. How are you going to plan a wedding at 11 a.m., but not feed us until 3:30 p.m.? I will straight up order Papa Johns deliver to your reception. Don’t test me.
4. Toasts and Toasts and Toasts
If your toast lasts for more than 2 minutes, I’m going to drink the alcohol in my hand, fill up another glass, and hold it in the air until you finish talking. I don’t need to hear a speech from your step-uncle. We all think you’re great and that’s why we bought you that $60 bread maker which you’ll never use. Why was that even on your registry? Are you really going through that much bread that the only solution was make your own at home? Did you inherit a stockpile of yeast?
5. Posing For Pictures
I came to your event, dressed up and brought presents. Isn’t that enough? Now I can’t enjoy a conversation without someone running up to me with a camera and telling me to act natural for a picture. Wouldn’t the best way to get a shot of me acting natural is by not telling me you’re taking a picture?
6. Terrible Wedding Favors
I would rather you just not do a wedding favor at all than give me a .5 oz bottle of bubbles. I’m not 3, so I don’t spend my day hoping to come across some bubbles. Just take the $200-$300 you would have spent on the favors and buy a bunch of Coors Light, so we can watch your uncles get hammered and grapple in the parking lot.
7. The Inconvenient Location
If you want to get married beneath a waterfall in Guam, then by all means, go for it. However, don’t casually send out invitations to your special day that require me to update my passport and travel like Liam Neeson trying to recover his daughter on “Taken.” If it takes more than a quarter of a tank of gas to get there, odds are I’m not coming.
8. Assigned Seating
Come on, guys. This isn’t the 6th grade, when no one wanted to sit with Timothy because he smelled like a shop vac. You can trust us to fill up the seats in an orderly fashion. If you’re serving your food buffet-style then there’s seriously no reason to do this besides wanting to lord over us like an evil henchman. We demand to sit where we want.
9. No Open Bar
If you want people to dance at your reception, you need to have an open bar. And don’t tell me it’s not in the budget because I’m 100% certain your guests would enjoy free drinks much more than they want $900 worth of the bride’s favorite flowers draped around each chair at the ceremony.
10. Your Horrible, Garbage DJ
How is this guy getting paid to make such an awful playlist? Has he turned on the radio in the last two decades? No one wants to hear his deep cuts or “songs we don’t know but he thinks we’ll like.” Play the hits that we’re embarrassed to know all the words to as well as the classic party songs. If you don’t give me the chance to do the Cupid Shuffle at your reception I’m taking my gift back.
11. Appetizers-Only Reception
Oh you are just a straight-up monster. That’s just evil.
12. A Ceremony Over 30 Minutes
If the program for your wedding is longer than a half of a page in size 14 font, you’re a bad person. There doesn’t need to be a song in between every step of the ceremony. We know you love each other and you’re never going to watch your wedding video so say your vows and get to your honeymoon.
13. A Ridiculously Late Start
Obviously a few things aren’t going to go as planned and you may need to start a few minutes late, but after a while you just need to accept the fact that Aunt Brenda isn’t going to make it and she can watch the DVD later. If you’re holding up the start because of a bomb threat, I get it. But if it’s delayed because one of the girls is missing a bobby pin and her bangs are slightly askew, I’m going to take my shoes off and take a nap across the pew.
