I don't know what the 11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit is, but damn. Thanks for having it. Because you remember when Jessica Simpson was your favorite dog and you would pet her and tell her how much you loved her then she got rabies and it gave you the sads, because you still wanted to love her but there was nothing there to love anymore? You do? Awesome. Because if you weren't good with metaphors, Jessica Simpson was one of the hottest chicks on earth because she hit the penis trifecta of dumb, blonde, huge rack. Then she got pregnant for like eight years and turned into some kind of weird, bloated, mutation of a Jessica Simpson. Dark times. Well, this is what she looks like now. Keep in mind she has two kids, and usually after a woman has two kids, she's figuratively taken out into a field and shot then buried in PTA sweatpants. Jessica Simpson is in this dress. I'll leave you to it.
Jessica Simpson 11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Jessica Simpson attends the 11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit at John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by David Buchan/Getty Images) -
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WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA - APRIL 13: Actress Jessica Simpson attends the John Varvatos 11th Annual Stuart House Benefit at John Varvatos Boutique on April 13, 2014 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Rachel Murray/Getty Images for John Varvatos) -
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Actress Jessica Simpson arrives at the 11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit at John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Valerie Macon/Getty Images) -
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Singer / TV Personality Jessica Simpson attends the 11th annual Stuart House Benefit at John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Paul Archuleta/FilmMagic) -
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WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA - APRIL 13: Actress Jessica Simpson attends the John Varvatos 11th Annual Stuart House Benefit at John Varvatos Boutique on April 13, 2014 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Rachel Murray/Getty Images for John Varvatos) -
11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: FayesVision/WENN.com
11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: FayesVision/WENN.com -
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WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA - APRIL 13: Actress Jessica Simpson arrives at the John Varvatos 11th Annual Stuart House Benefit presented by Chrysler, Kids Tent by by Hasbro at John Varvatos Boutique on April 13, 2014 in West Hollywood, California. (Photo by Donato Sardella/Getty Images for John Varvatos) -
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Actress Jessica Simpson attends the 11th annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit held at the John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Tommaso Boddi/WireImage) -
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Jessica Simpson attends the 11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit at John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by David Buchan/Getty Images) -
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Singer / TV Personality Jessica Simpson attends the 11th annual Stuart House Benefit at John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Paul Archuleta/FilmMagic) -
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Singer / TV Personality Jessica Simpson attends the 11th annual Stuart House Benefit at John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Paul Archuleta/FilmMagic) -
John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit 2014 Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: West Hollywood, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: Nikki Nelson/WENN.com
John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit 2014 Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: West Hollywood, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: Nikki Nelson/WENN.com -
John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit 2014 Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: West Hollywood, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: Nikki Nelson/WENN.com
John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit 2014 Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: West Hollywood, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: Nikki Nelson/WENN.com -
John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit 2014 Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: West Hollywood, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: Nikki Nelson/WENN.com
John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit 2014 Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: West Hollywood, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: Nikki Nelson/WENN.com -
Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson leave The John Varvatos 11th Annual Stuart House Benefit in West Hollywood Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: TC/David Durocher/WENN.com
Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson leave The John Varvatos 11th Annual Stuart House Benefit in West Hollywood Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: TC/David Durocher/WENN.com -
11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: FayesVision/WENN.com
11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit Featuring: Jessica Simpson Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 13 Apr 2014 Credit: FayesVision/WENN.com -
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Actress Jessica Simpson attends the 11th annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit held at the John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Tommaso Boddi/WireImage) -
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Actress Jessica Simpson attends the 11th annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit held at the John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Tommaso Boddi/WireImage) -
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Actress Jessica Simpson attends the 11th annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit held at the John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Tommaso Boddi/WireImage) -
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LOS ANGELES, CA - APRIL 13: Jessica Simpson attends the 11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit at John Varvatos on April 13, 2014 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by David Buchan/Getty Images)
