Good. God.

Somehow I missed these, and by “somehow” I mean “I’m horrifically lazy”, but here’s Jessica Simpson welcoming guests outside her baby shower anAHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! Is she a surrogate for the Berenstein Bears? Does this baby have a dragon tail? WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. GOING. ON. I swear, if the hospital doesn’t instantly shut down and get surrounded by a perimeter the minute she steps foot inside, her doctor better immediately sedate her and pull out his phone and dial as the seconds tick by like hours until somebody answers so he can say, “Are you the one they call Beowulf? I can text you the address.”