Book Gets You Laid with a Salmon Steak


A mystery man known only as ViMal wants you to get laid via a nice piece of fish. 

In his new book, How To Get Laid Before The Main Course: A Gentleman’s Approach For The Big Date, author ViMal explores “how to wine and dine your date through cooking and charm.” To get to the point, the idea here is take the old cliche, “…way to a man’s heart is his stomach…,” and turn the phrase around to the ladies.

Of course, the book’s title makes it clear it’s not the lady’s heart we’re targeting via her digestive center. ViMal wants you thinking south.

Related: Slow Cooker Wings for BBQ Side Dish

ViMal would like to share with us one of his featured recipes. We’re given the recipe for the main course within a three course menu including “deep, strong flavors with a Parchment Baked Camembert with Garlic Ciabatta Toasts as an appetizer.”

The book says, “A subtle blend of sweet and spice is then infused into the main course, Spiced Salmon Steaks with Scallions and Cucumber. A final finish of fresh fruits and cream ends the night with a delicate dessert of Cranberry Snow with Mint.”

All of that is supposed to get you in the sack after you get the stink of fish out of the house. The proof is in the pudding, and later in the bedding. It’s up to you now to give it all a try…

Spiced Salmon Steaks with Scallions and Cucumber


  • 2x Salmon steaks
  • 4 oz of brown sugar
  • 1 tbsp of ground allspice
  • 1 tbsp mustard powder
  • 1 tbsp grated ginger
  • 1 cucumber
  • 1 bunch of scallions
  • 3 oz butter
  • 2 Tbsp chopped fresh dill
  • 2 Tbsp fresh garlic
  • 3 Tbsp olive oil


  1. Mix the sugar and spices together, then gently rub it on both sides of the salmon and leave in the fridge for at least an hour.
  2. Peel the cucumber, cut in half-length ways and discard the center seeds. Cut the two halves again length ways and finally cut each segment into 1 inch pieces.
  3. Cut the roots from the scallion and then cut the leaf portion of the green.
  4. Take the cucumber, scallions, 1 oz butter, lemon, herbs and a sprinkle of salt and pepper together and cook for 10 minutes over a moderate heat.
  5. Heat the olive oil and remaining butter on a high heat for 5 minutes. Lower the heat to medium and carefully add the salmon. Cook for 5-6 minutes on each side.
  6. Combine the salon and vegetables onto plates and serve.

Then, I guess it’s condoms for desert.