As is the case with most men, the success of Fifty Shades of Grey baffles me. Well, perhaps baffled is a strong word – I understand that people enjoy masturbating, and there are few novels more catered towards helping a woman to get off than E. L. James’ BDSM erotica, but the ferocity of its success is almost frightening.
Related: Watch: Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer
Drawing conclusions from that one chapter I’ve read of it and the second-hand accounts of it I have been bored with, it’s essentially a book in which a woman succumbs to her interview subject “Mr. Grey,” a man who is essentially completely abusing his position of power by convincing her to take part in weird sex games with him. From what I’ve read of it I can gather that it’s not particularly well-written, but the majority of porn I watch doesn’t exactly boast great narrative, either, so who cares. I’ll still watch Fifty Shades if only to laugh uncomfortably at it and wonder if this is what women really do enjoy in the bedroom.
With that being said, I can imagine that plenty of you guys will end up watching it, too, either out of curiosity or because your girlfriend has insisted you do so. This will inevitably lead to a selection of awkward conversations between you and her, with these being the chief among them.
Awkward Conversation #1: “Why don’t we try this kind of thing?”
A lot of couples like to indulge in some BDSM, and that’s perfectly healthy, but if neither you nor your girlfriend have had experience in it/fantasized about it prior to watching Fifty Shades of Grey, then chances are that you won’t have a fucking clue what you’re doing and you’ll end with an upside-down female in tied upside-down in your wardrobe because she forgot to use her “safe word.”
Fifty Shades of Grey inspired many woman to try their hands at bondage for the first time, and I can only imagine that the movie is going to have the same effect. While it may sound great initially, due to both of your lack of experience it will likely result in you growing tired of chaining her to your bed post every time you want to get your end away, and longing for the days when missionary followed by a nap was considered the norm.
Awkward Conversation #2: “Let’s go to a sex shop.”
Fun fact: during the height of the Fifty Shades of Grey novel’s popularity, rope sales increased dramatically. This was either due to women buying it in order for their partners to tie them up with it, or women buying it so they could fashion a lasso and use it to hog-tie any man who looked remotely like Christian Grey.
Watching Fifty Shades of Grey may lead to your girlfriend wanting to explore the kinkier side of sex, and there’s nothing kinkier than sex shops that are typically visited solely by pungent, bearded middle-aged men with stains down their shirt. Sex shops are essentially glimpses into the deepest recesses of a man’s mind, filled with blow-up dolls, ill-fitting roleplay costumes and sex toys that look just as likely to appear at the scene of a murder as they would a bedroom floor. Your girlfriend probably envisages a store filled with vibrators happily bouncing around and sexy outfits, but you know better.
Awkward Conversation #3: “We should try spanking.”
Again, in and of itself spanking isn’t awkward. When you pair two people who enjoy the occasional slap on the rear during sex, it’s a harmless thing. But what if you’re a prude who has no idea how to initiate such a thing? Approaching such a task with no passion just makes it creepy, and no woman is turned on by creepy.
On the other hand, you could approach the spanking with an extreme amount of gusto and hit her so hard on the ass that she flies straight out of your bedroom window, and then you’ve got a lawsuit on your hands. Basically, if she whispers “maybe you should try slapping my bum next time we have sex” into your ear whilst you’re watching Fifty Shades, then make her realize the ramifications of what she’s suggesting.
Awkward Conversation #4: “I wish you were more like Christian Grey.”
Your girlfriend won’t say this to you unless she’s some kind of mentally abusive psychopath, but if she does, then Fifty Shades of Grey has effectively ruined your relationship. Her wanting you to be Mr. Grey is essentially her requesting that you become a sexually psychotic, poorly-written sociopath who remains just one step away from going American Psycho and chasing prostitutes out of his apartment with a chainsaw at any given moment. Not awkward so much as downright terrifying.
Awkward Conversation #5: “We should watch Secretary next.”
Fifty Shades of Grey might have her so fired up that she wants to watch another movie just like it, which could lead her to Secretary. However, whereas Fifty Shades will likely be kinky fluff, Secretary is pretty damn depressing.
Think of Fifty Shades as foreplay and Secretary as that feeling of regret after you climax. It’s far more real, and it hits you right where you hurt – in your genitals. If she suggests watching Secretary, introduce her to Pornhub instead.