Why Washington Won’t Win The NBA Finals

wizards collageHow bad has the Wizards franchise been?

They've won one playoff series in the past three decades.

Well, now you can make it two!

They took out the Bulls in five games by completing a stunning series upset of Chicago Tuesday night, advancing in the playoffs for just the third time since the 70s.

If you're reading this from our nation's capital, enjoy your win, but I'm sorry, here is…

Why the Wizards won't win the 2014 NBA Finals

numbers_set_01They are named the Wizards

For us long-time NBA fans, we remember the glory days when they were still the Bullets. Sure, they were a pretty pathetic franchise then too, but are you more afraid of a Wizard or a Bullet? What the hell does a Wizard have to do with Washington anyway? Was it founded on sorcery? Does it take a Wizard to run the capital? 


When choosing a new franchise name, don't rely on alliteration. 

numbers_set_02Michael Jordan

Fans still think he plays for them.

Even when he did, the Wizards didn't go anywhere.

numbers_set_03Wait, we have a basketball team?

… says just about everyone in D.C.

The Wizards were eighteenth in attendance this year, selling out their home court at the Verizon Center just four times.

numbers_set_04 Irony

The team changed their name from Bullets to Wizards in 1997 because then-owner Abe Pollins' abhorrence of gun violence. In 2010, Gilbert Arenas, their best player at the time, was suspended by the NBA after allegedly bringing a gun into the team's locker room.


The Wizards gave him arguably the worst contract in the history of sports. He's no longer in the league and still gets paid. Maybe he's the wizard?!

numbers_set_06They would eventually have to play him.


If they beat the Hawks/Pacers and advance to the Eastern Conference Finals. LeBron James is the best player in the world and the leader of the two-time defending champion Miami Heat.

 numbers_set_0742.2 RPG

The Wizards are 20th overall in rebounds per game.

numbers_set_08It is never okay to do The Dougie.

No one told John Wall.

Why we're wrong

numbers_set_01They win on the road

In fact, they tied Toronto and Miami for the best road record in the conference this season.

numbers_set_02John Wall and Bradley Beal

Phoenix Suns v Washington Wizards

Sure, they're young, but they average nearly 36 points and 12 assists per game between the two of them.

numbers_set_03This happens at Wizards games.

Why San Antonio Won't Win The NBA Finals.

Why Houston Won't Win The NBA Finals.

Why Oklahoma City Won't Win The NBA Finals.

Why Chicago Won't Win The NBA Finals.

Why Indiana Won't Win The NBA Finals.

Josh Helmuth is the editor of CraveOnline Sports. @JHelmuth – "Like" on Facebook.

Photo Credit: Getty