Trolling #34: The Goonies SUCKS!

The Goonies splash

Ah yes, The Goonies. Released in 1985, The Goonies was a gigantic film project that marked a significant collaboration between Richard Donner (the director of Superman), Chris Columbus (the writer of Gremlins), and Steven Spielberg (the director of that one episode of “Marcus Welby, M.D.”). It was an enormous hit at the time, and was instantly beloved by the young audiences who went to see it. Its rollicking adventurousness and relatable child characters, not to mention its dirty sense of humor, have carried The Goonies into a strange untouchable pantheon of 1980s classics. The film is still held up by an entire generation as one of the best kid flicks of all time.

Thanks to a heavy rotation on cable TV, the myth of The Goonies has only grown with time. This is the kind of movie that Gen-Xers and Gen-Yers see in droves at midnight screenings. People have memorized this film. They have decorated their cars with its iconography. The dialogue from this film has become a kind of pop culture holy writ. I think only Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Ghostbusters are quoted more frequently.

And, since this is CraveOnline's anger-baiting series Trolling, it's time to smear dirt all over this piece of crap. The Goonies, upon close examination, proves to be a shabby, weak, and even racist film that is perhaps all-too-colored by nostalgia goggles. I have heard people say that The Goonies is one of the best films of all time. We here at Trolling say this: The Goonies SUCKS! Let's delve in and see why:


The film's dirtiness does make it stand apart from some of its more squeaky-clean contemporaries, and I appreciate the high energy, fun characters, and raucous adventure, but The Goonies has an overall unsettling tone of sourness hanging over it. It's a little bit mean. Like we're watching an adventure that will turn these kids into bullies. Also, since the story is kind of dumb, it's hard to take too seriously when you're looking at it closely.

Until next week, let the hate mail flow.  

Witney Seibold is the head film critic for Nerdist, and a contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly articles Trolling, and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.