Trolling #16: Lord of the Rings SUCKS!

On Friday the 13th, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug will be released in theaters. Like the Hobbit film to immediately precede it, this new flick (only the second of three) likely promises to be a shamelessly padded, cynical cash-grab from a studio and from filmmakers who are trying to milk every last drop of Lord of the Rings lucre out of a cow that died somewhere about a third of the way through The Two Towers.

Welcome, dear Ringers, to the latest edition of Trolling, the CraveOnline feature specifically devoted to making you feel bad about the things you love. This week, as you can see, we’ll be ripping heartily through the chest of that most beloved of geek institutions, Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings movies.

Currently spanning a whopping 14.8 hours (and that’s not counting a sixth film, or any of the ultra-extended director’s cuts), Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings movies have, since their first release in 2001, been considered by fans to be a new vanguard in cinematic entertainment, and a revolution of acceptance in a new wave of geek-friendly culture. The movies were instantly adored by fans, lauded by critics, awarded heavily by the Academy (Return of the King got 11 Oscars!), and changed Hollywood from a one-picture-at-a-time machine into a let’s-plan-an-entire-franchise-at-once machine. They are referred to in grandiose and sacred whispers, the assumption being that, well, everyone just loves them.

Of course, in the eyes of Trolling, none of these piddling details mean a thing. If something is overtly and widely adored, well that makes it suspect. Let’s look past all the hype and love, and look at the movies themselves. Are they still good? Indeed, could it be that they SUCK? Yes, we declare that The Lord of the Rings SUCKS. Let’s delve.

 

I do have to admit the ultimate ambition on display with The Lord of the Rings is nothing short of miraculously impressive. The nerve and hard work required to bring any project of this then-unprecedented size to the big screen displays a kind of tenacity and moxie that most filmmakers don’t approach. But overall, the films are long, busy, drawn-out effects extravaganzas that don’t impact emotionally, and don’t really stick in the mind. They play like a single over-long special effects demo reel that just happens to have Christopher Lee in it.

Until next week, let the hate mail flow.


Witney Seibold is a featured contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly articles Trolling, Free Film School and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.

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