World War Z was released in theaters on Friday, and it was one of the films William “Bibbs” Bibbiani and I reviewed on the last episode of The B-Movies Podcast (which was amusingly entitled “A Cage Full of Terminators”). We both were kind of in the middle of the road about the film, impressed by its effects, but largely unmoved by Brad Pitt’s almost non-existent lead character. We helpfully pointed out to our dear listeners, that the “Z” of the title referred to “zombies.” Just in case anyone was unclear.
Of course, I missed World War A through World War Y. That’s 25 World Wars that seem to have slipped me by. Oh wait. Those films haven’t been made? Oh man. That makes my job tougher. That means I have to invent 25 monster movies to fill in the cognitive gaps. No worries. I have an active imagination, and a working knowledge of all kinds of monsters. I’m not wasting any time. Let’s charge ahead with the letter A…
Witney Seibold is a featured contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, co-host of The B-Movies Podcast and co-star of The Trailer Hitch. You can read his weekly articles B-Movies Extended, Free Film School and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind. If you want to buy him a gift (and I know you do), you can visit his Amazon Wish List.
World War A through World War Y
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World War A
A is for Arachnid. A nest of spiders makes a home in a Monsanto chemical dump. The chemicals mutate them into giant flesh-eating beasts. They can reproduce inside human bodies.
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World War B
B is for Bigfoots. A mountain in California is accidentally demolished by evil developers, releasing a huge underground Bigfoot contingent. They storm the Earth in revenge.
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World War C
C is for Chupacabras. Goats are going missing in record numbers all over the world. A resourceful animal cop tracks one to a nest of Mexican Cupacabras. They become zoo animals, proliferate, and the escape all at once.
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World War D
D is for Dragons. See Reign of Fire.
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World War E
E is for Ents. It turns out those trees we've been cutting down all over the world are actually intelligent tree people. When a forest is clear cut, the Ents go mad, and start killing everyone. Fire solves the problem.
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World War F
F is for Freaks. A virus leaks out of a government lab, and mutates people into lumps of flesh, crab-handed people, dog-faced boys, and other circus-ready freaks. Beauty standards immediately change. Directed by Frank Henenlotter.
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World War G
G is for Goblins. The stone goblins on all the churches and old buildings of Europe are unleashed after their curse is accidentally lifted by a feckless band of traveling American college students. Mayhem ensues.
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World War H
H is for Harpies. A misogynist reads a volume of an ancient magical book, cursing all the women on the planet to be like he sees them. They turn into murderous harpies. He must change his mind about women or the whole world is doomed.
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World War I
Kaiser Wilhelm rises up in Germany, and... Oh wait. We fought World War I already.
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World War J
J is for Justin Bieber. A mad 20-year-old genius, suffering from Bieber Fever, has been trailing Justin Bieber for years, collecting tissue samples of hair and skin. The goal was to make a single clone, but an electric short accidentally makes millions. Also, they're zombies?
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World War K
K is for Krakens. Citizens of Kansas and other landlocked locales are the last to hold out against the ever-growing kraken population, following an environmental disaster that released them from under the ocean. Many sailships are involved in the climax.
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World War L
L is for Leprechauns. In a nuclear mishap, Ireland is wiped out by a bomb. One leprechaun survives, driven mad. It uses its magic powers to create an army of evil leprechauns that invade Europe, and then the rest of the world. ERIN GO MAD!
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World War M
M is for Minotaurs. For the last 70 years, a mad labyrinth maker has been constructing beloved mazes all over the world. When he dies, and his heirs are unable to maintain the hundreds of mazes, they are all torn down. This unleashes all the minotaurs therein. I coulda gone with mummies, but I want to write the Mummy Apocalypse movie myself.
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World War N
N is for Nightmares. This one would be really cool. Everyone on the planet, because of a barely perceptible social shift, begins having increasingly bad nightmares every night. It's not long before everyone is going mad. Only caffeine addicts and meth users can find the right vaccine in time.
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World War O
O is for Oni. A forbidden Hokusai illustration contains the spirit of an oni, or demon, which is unleashed when it's accidentally burned. Two oni are released. The spread disease and misfortune. Hopelessness transforms the infected into more oni. Jokes and good humor can stop them.
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World War P
P is for Pumpkinheads. Sure. Why not? I wanna see a buncha those things at once.
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World War Q
Q is for Q The Winged Serpent. You ever see that 1982 Larry Cohen movie about the giant flying lizard monster? Now imagine the same movie with a bigger CGI budget, and thousands of those suckers. Oh wait. That's kind of like Reign of Fire, isn't it?
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World War R
R is for Robots. In a twist on the I, Robot formula, the robots in question are actually Apple products that somehow tap into the world of the dead. Apple products fly through the air and stick together and make crushing machine monsters. A séance is eventually needed to contact the spirit of Steve Jobs.
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World War S
S is for Skeletons. Kind of like zombies, but more spindly. Evil skeletons rise form their graves, and begin flaying people alive. When someone is flayed into a skeleton, they become evil versions of themselves, and chase people.
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World War T
T is for Trolls. Every bridge in the world has an egg underneath. Inside that egg is a small black furry troll that eats people. They all hatch at once, and begin eating through cars and people. The government responds by making a 500-foot tall billy goat.
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World War U
U is for Unicorns. A unicorn is captured and put in a zoo, where it is forced to grant wishes against its will. People become complacent, comfortable and universally wealthy, but lose all ambition. This angers the other unicorns who come out of hiding, and begins spearing people by the thousands. Only by fighting complacency can our hero win.
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World War V
V is for Vampires. No, it's not World War 5. See Daybreakers.
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World War W
W is for Werewolves. This is pretty self-explanatory, right?
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World War X
X is for Xiezhi. A Chinese beast of justice and righteousness appears in the wild. It kills all the unjust. People begin breeding them as a police force. Once all the world's unjust are killed, however, the beasts become more exacting, and start killing people for smaller and smaller infractions. Only a clever lawyer can argue what is truly just to overcome them.
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World War Y
Y is for Yetis. Most of K2 has been, for thousands of years, the incubation spot for millions of yetis. An earthquake breaks K2 open, and the yetis spill out. Their presence changes the world's weather, and everything becomes snowy. An 18-year-old snowboarder is the only one who can outrun them and get back to the yeti base before...uh... y'know, before yetis take over everything.
