UK vs. USA: Whose Women Are Hotter?

When you travel to a different country, there are three questions you immediately ask yourself:

1: What are the exchange rates like?

2: Are there nice places to eat and drink?

3: BOOBIES!

 Okay, so perhaps the last one isn’t so much a question as it is a statement of intent, but the fact remains that when you go abroad the potential eye candy your destination may or may not offer will be on your mind before you board that plane. I mean, when you think of Brazil what instantly springs to mind: Christ the Redeemer or the peachy bronzed buttocks of an exotic dancer? Exactly.

So who has the hottest women, the UK or the USA? To answer this we must compare both countries females, which will obviously be limited to celebrities, as I am unfamiliar with the beautiful girl who lives next door to you even if you are vehemently in love with her. A cursory glance through the FHM 100 Sexiest list, a poll decided by the magazine’s readers to determine the sexiest woman of the year, reveals that Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is apparently the best-looking woman alive.

Now I’m not going to be that guy who proclaims that this woman is “ugly” before retreating to his bedroom to contemplate his crippling loneliness, but I will say this: she isn’t the sexiest woman that the UK has to offer. Not that she’s bad looking – far from it – but when compared to Goddesses such as Kelly Brook and Keeley Hazell she looks like a cartoon giraffe in drag. If you find the previous comment too harsh then consider the fact that she was hired in the third Transformers film solely for her looks, not for her woefully poor acting skills, which were twice as robotic as Optimus Prime’s and made Megan Fox look like Meryl Streep. If you live by the sword, you die by the sword.

So who is supposedly the hottest woman in the US? Why, this woman, of course.

Every time I see a photo of Katy Perry my hands struggle to keep my jaw from dropping to the floor. As Nick Cave once sang, “I don’t believe in the existence of angels, but looking at you I wonder if that’s true”, which would be an awesome quote to use here if not for the fact that Nick’s referring to being hopelessly in love, whereas I’m using it to describe how I’d love nothing more than to sit in my room for the rest of my days jacking off to the Hot ‘n’ Cold video.

Next up is Rihanna, who has that whole dominatrix vibe going on that I just can’t get into. Don’t get me wrong, some guys probably find it downright adorable, but when I watch the video for S&M all I can imagine is her trapping my testicles in a vice, and I immediately want to retire back to the solace of the Katy Perry video, frolicking around in whipped cream. I’ve grown attached to these two, and I’m not prepared to let some sexy multi-millionaire superstar spoil our relationship. Take your unwanted advances somewhere else, Rihanna, you crazy bitch.

Compared with the larger-than-life “Umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh” songstress, the UK doesn’t really have any dominating, deeply sensual females. We tend to favour the humble, more homely sorts, who despite their riches act as though they’re a store clerk at your local supermarket. The first sign of an ego and we Brits unceremoniously lambast them on the front of our newspapers. “How dare she buy a huge private jet with her massive amounts of wealth!” we cry, “She should act poor and miserable like the rest of us!”

The archetypal “I’m-filthy-rich-but-still-just-a-regular-lassie” is solo artist/girl band member/former reality show judge Cheryl Cole, who you may remember as that brunette who didn’t make the grade in the US X Factor.

Regularly topping various “Top 10 Sexiest” polls over here in Britain, Cheryl Cole is an overwhelmingly good-looking woman. I mean look at her. I’m not a religious man, but if I was I would assume that God only had one hand free when creating her.

However, there is one other whose beauty is so overwhelming, so transcendent, that it’s been said even so much as being in her presence will cause a man to turn to stone as his eyes cannot possibly comprehend such perfection. Ladies and gentlemen (maybe not so gentle after viewing this photo), I give you…