Ask any golfer – the only reason you play 18 holes is to get to the 19th hole! But when you consider a round of golf takes about three hours to play—and that’s if you play fast—that’s a helluva long time to wait before you get your drink on. And that’s simply not OK, for the simple reason that golf and booze go together like Tucker Carlson and brain-eating amoebas. So far all you duffers who are more interested in sinking adult beverages than putts, we’ve got your timeline.
7 AM: It’s Way Too Early For This Shit
Standing on the 1st hole’s tee box waiting to tee off, the foursome ahead of you really suck! They’re playing army golf (left, right, left, right), causing you to wait. And wait. And wait! Thank god for the beverage cart, and the cart girl that pours with a heavy hand. Bloody Mary’s all around!
7:05 AM: Run It Back
The only thing better than one Bloody Mary is two Bloody Marys!
7:50 AM: Booze Bravado
Vodka on an empty stomach = “booze bravado,” causing your crew to pepper the cripple-tortoise slow foursome ahead of you with repeated shots, without yelling “Fore!” Fearing for their safety, they allow you to play through.
8:01 AM: Too Close For Missiles, We’re Switching To Guns
Or in this case, beer. The 4th hole is a par-3 over water and there’s no freakin’ way you’re gonna take this bitch of a hole on without suds—a lot of ‘em! Cart girl is there in a blink, passing out cold ones.
8:15 AM: Get Fins
One beer becomes three, and nobody hits dry land. The jagoff foursome you played through is now waiting impatiently on you. Fuck ‘em!
8:30 AM: Enough Is Enough
After depositing $75 worth of balls in the drink, you say “Screw it!” and drop on the green. But you still order another round of beers before you go.
10:15: Halfway Home, In Need of a Halfway House
You stumble to the turn, which means half your round is over. But for one of your pals, his round was over on the 7th hole when he passed out cold. Now you should have taken him to the clubhouse to sleep off his stupor. But nothing’s gonna interrupt your day on the links. You’ll check him into rehab after the round.
10:40: Good Thing You Can Pee Standing Up
The problem with drinking beer is it goes right through you, especially when it’s warm outside. And today’s hotter than Satan’s taint. You’ve pissed four times over the last two holes. And on that last stop, you don’t recall unzipping your zipper—and it shows. Oh well. What happens on the golf course stays on the golf course.
11:02 AM: Incoming!
Your threesome (the 4th member of your crew is still unconscious) is seriously drunk now, and houses situated along the 13th hole are much more fun to aim at than the flagstick.
11:11 AM: Call the Lawyer
To your shock and awe, you can actually be sued for aiming at and hitting a house adjacent to the fairway. That’s why you have an attorney on speed dial. But drunk as you are, you’re still savvy enough to give the homeowner a false name.
11:52 AM: Last Call
Miraculously, you’ve reached the 18th hole. Your scorecard is much better suited for a game of bowling, not golf. But you don’t give a rat’s ass. Today was never about birdies and pars, and the godawful plaid pants you’re wearing prove it.
12:14 PM: Buh-Bye
The course pro and two security guards are waiting when you return to the clubhouse. Apparently, there’s been a few complaints (pronounced shitload) about your group—everything from inappropriate language to lewd behavior to dangerous antics. That’s when everyone notices one of the golf carts has been destroyed. When did that happen? Long story short, you and your friends (including the unconscious one) receive a one-year ban from the course. There’s only thing left to do: go directly to the 19th hole. Granted, you’re gonna crawl there on account of being piss drunk, but hey, that’s what a round of golf is all about.
Drinks on us!
Cover Photo: Thomas Barwick (Getty Images)
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