Portrait of young white man with beard, looking towards camera, he looks worried.

Paranoid American Hides Sperm in Couch Cushions Instead of Bank

America seems to be getting more paranoid and dumb. This is due to crazy uncles with Master’s degrees in YouTube commenting and media charlatans spreading conspiracies. So it’s really no wonder that one American is so paranoid that he’s hiding his sperm in couch cushions.

Citing the high cost of sperm banks and their unwillingness to convert sperm donations into crypto, a Florida man is choosing to keep his spank bank in the original source: his couch.

“I mean, Bitcoin is what gets me aroused in the first place, right? So it only seems fitting to convert my sperm donations into BTC,” said the Florida man. “And why should I have to pay these high storage costs when I’ve got socks and a couch right here in my own home? My couch alone could pay off some struggling grad student’s school loans and I don’t have to pay a dime in storage fees.”

Now, we don’t have to tell you all that’s wrong with this picture and why hoarding sperm in a couch isn’t sustainable — or even possible — to maintain potency for pregnancy, but you already read the man is from Florida and that should be enough. Worse yet, the Florida man doesn’t even own the couch.

“My biggest problem right now is that I live in my Aunt’s basement and she lets me use her couch,” he said. “So even though I sit there all day gaming and spanking, I would have to pay her rent to use the couch as my own sperm bank. The only way I’ll be able to afford that is if my Aunt ups my allowance and that’s just not happening.”

Let’s just say this Flordia man probably isn’t getting invited over to anyone’s house anytime in the next millennium.

Cover Photo: Frank van Delft (Getty Images)