johnny depp
US actor Johnny Depp testifies during his defamation trial in the Fairfax County Circuit Courthouse in Fairfax, Virginia, on April 19, 2022. - Depp is suing ex-wife Amber Heard for libel after she wrote an op-ed piece in The Washington Post in 2018 referring to herself as a public figure representing domestic abuse. (Photo by JIM WATSON / POOL / AFP) (Photo by JIM WATSON/POOL/AFP via Getty Images)

Honest Timelines: The Mind of Johnny Depp During His Never-Ending Court Appearances With Amber Heard

Johnny, Amber, we get it—you two clearly don’t like each other. What began as a passionate Hollywood fairytale come to life has devolved into poison. Shit happens.

But Christ Almighty people, give it a break already. Your never-ending he did/she did courtroom saga has morphed into the kind of Groundhog Day that only Grand Inquisitor Torquemada would appreciate. Perhaps you’ve both got blinders on and aren’t seeing what we’re seeing. But for all those who are watching it (we feel truly sorry for you), here’s an honest timeline of Johnny Depp’s mental state during the first day of the trial.

9 AM: Walking Into the Courthouse Confidently

When you were a kid, did you ever put your baby brother or sister in an industrial washing machine, add in some ball bearings and a handful of potato chips, and set it on the spin cycle? No? Really? Guess our childhood was a bit more dysfunctional than yours. Anyway, this was Johnny’s mindset when he walked into the courtroom, right before his attorney asked if he still wanted to go through with the lawsuit.

10 AM: Johnny Takes the Stand

You’ve no doubt heard the expression, “Crazier than a shithouse rat.” Well, if those four little shoes fit…

10:14 AM: Starting to Get Hint He Might Be a Little Nuts

Some years ago, Depp bought the 45-acre Bahamanian island, “Little Hall’s Pond Cay,” and, if the rumors are true, promptly renamed it, “Fuck You Island.” But as his courtroom antics indicate, the island’s renaming has carried over to his mental state, similar to how Tom Hanks dealt with his Castaway isolation without Wilson. A chameleon, tripping on LSD while trying to match its camouflage to a Twister layout, would have had a less tumultuous brain scan.

11 AM: In Full ‘Cuckoo’ Mode

Maybe your great-grandparents had one of those turn-of-the-century cuckoo clocks—and if it had missing gears and a bent spring, every hour, at some odd interval, the sad little bird would flop out and just hang there for a few seconds until the clock’s broken mechanism caught up. Then, it would emit a wonky squawk before returning to its home.

12 PM: Court Recesses For Lunch

For those who think Johnny settles his mind with some nutritious food, and rehydrates with a tall bottle of imported spring water, guess again. Considering that history repeats itself, we have it on reliable authority that Depp skipped the sustenance and went straight chemical with a tweak or a snort, blitzing his already addled mind even further to what can only be described as a movie marathon showcasing all the creepy and disturbing films of writer/director David Cronenberg, shown simultaneously in, what else, a videodrome.

1 PM: Zombie Mode

Court is now back in session and Depp’s mind is that of a zombie—immediately after The Walking Dead’s Daryl Dixon puts a crossbow bolt through its brain.

2 PM: Somehow, It Gets Worse

Imagine Marjorie Taylor Greene and Eric Trump debating the global contributions of Scooby-Doo vs Scrappy-Doo.

3 PM: Yada Yada

Depp is just babbling now, which means the mind behind the babbling mouth has the mental acuity of every NRA convention that’s ever been held.

4 PM: He’s a Goner

Following a few final absurd questions and even more bizarre answers, Depp’s mind has completely turned to mush. We’re talking generic overnight oats—only this batch is made with orange juice.

5 PM: Court Adjourns

See you tomorrow when the shitshow continues!

Cover Photo: JIM WATSON / Contributor (Getty Images)


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