don't say gay
Summer portrait of surprised afro american young man wearing pink polo shirt, staring at camera and covering mouth with hands. Studio shot on pink background.

What Happens If You Say ‘Gay’ in a ‘Don’t Say Gay’ State

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis put aside petty and trivial issues like the economy during inflation to instead pass the “Don’t Say Gay” legislation, a law that prohibits any classroom discussion on LGBTQ issues. Now, we know you’re all wondering what does happen if you do say the word “gay” in a place where it’s prohibited.

If that’s the case, here’s a good look at what you’ll be forced to do when you inevitably say it.

Watch Topless ‘Top Gun’ Scene (on Repeat)

Nothing says “straight” like topless Tom Cruise on a volleyball court, are we right?

For some odd reason, homophobic boomers seem keenly unaware of less-than-subtle homoerotic overtones in films from this era. Case in point: Top Gun. For whatever reason, a bunch of oiled-up beefcakes rubbing all up one another in a sweaty game of volleyball is the epitome of alpha. So it only makes sense to force any gay-sayer to watch this (ahem) straight movie on repeat. That, or hop without your top in the sand with DeSantis himself.

Hunt and Kill Big Game

Mention anything about the Stonewall riots, and you’ll soon find yourself donning Duck Dynasty gear and hunting a lion in the deep jungles of Africa. Not only that, you have to take a selfie with its lifeless corpse. If you’re unlicensed, you could just hitch a ride with Don Jr. Just be sure to bring your own drugs.

No More Crossing Your Legs

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No soy boy will ever be caught cross-legged in this neck of the woods. Those knees better be further apart than political parties following an old-fashioned police chokehold with a knee. Anything else less than legs akimbo is like bear-hugging the devil with your butthole.

Never Washing That Ass Again

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Any bicurious outburst will be met with a bar of soap to the mouth. In fact, you better never wash your bum again. You think it’s a coincidence the soap is shaped like that (and it’s all nice and slippery, too).

No More Bananas For You, Mister

You think people don’t notice how much you love bananas? Well, think again. From now on, it’s all round fruits for you, young man, until you learn to speak like your Savior, Jesus Christ, is in the room. We’ve seen your filthy pornographic movies and euphemistic emojis, and we won’t stand for it, along with zucchinis, cucumbers, sweet potatoes and eggplants. And you can forget hotdogs on the Fourth of July!

Cover Photo: izusek (Getty Images)


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