Mandatory Battle of the Century: Cats v. Dogs (Cats Win, and Here’s Why)
The debate about which four-legged pet is better, cats or dogs, is on the brink of becoming a war. It’s an argument that has been done to death, yet it is still one that continues to rage on among animal lovers with no end in sight. But we’re here to end the confusion once and for all. In the battle between cats and dogs, cats win. How could we say such a thing? Here are all the reasons why.
Cover Photo: vvvita (Getty Images)
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Cats Don't Need You
Throw a little cat food in a bowl, make sure the litter box is clean, and you’re good to go. Cats are very low maintenance. They don’t need you. They don’t want you. They don’t care about you (or at least that’s what they want you to think).
Cats Can Get High With You
While dogs are naturally goofy, sometimes cats require a bit of nip to come out of their shell. Much like you, it’s easier to let loose once a little green stuff is introduced to the party. One of the perks of having a cat is that while you light up, you can give your cat some catnip as well. Then, the two of you can spend the evening laughing at each other. That beats taking a dog for a walk any time.
Cats Make You Earn Their Affection
You want to cuddle? Too bad. Your cat is busy looking out the window. You’re eating dinner? Drop the fork, it’s time for cuddles, bitch. Cats make you run on their timetable and no amount of petting, prawning, or praying will change their minds. They will love you when they want to love you and, when they finally do nuzzle their little heads against your chest, you’ll know you have earned it. That makes it even sweeter.
Cats Can Do This
You Can Live in an Apartment and Not Feel Guilty
Living in an apartment while you have a dog can be troublesome. Dogs are meant to spend a lot of time outside, whether walking or playing or chasing. They deserve a yard. Because of this, living in an apartment with dogs can be troublesome. Cats, on the other hand, are the perfect pet for apartment living. All they need is a window, a comfy spot to sleep in, and a ball of yarn to unravel. You can have a cat and live in an apartment guilt-free.
They Literally Clean Themselves More Than You Do
Dogs can go days, weeks, even months without cleaning themselves. They play in the mud and eat their own poop and they don't give a fuck about your carpet or upholstery. They won’t get clean unless you clean them yourself. Cats are the opposite. They are constantly cleaning themselves. After every meal, nap, or tryst, cats will bathe themselves. This means they clean themselves more than you do, and definitely more than ol' Fido does.
No Walks Outside at 5 AM
If you live in an apartment with a dog, it doesn’t matter what time of the day or night it is. It doesn’t matter if you just drifted off or if you’re in a full REM deep sleep. That’s your dog in the corner, begging to be let outside. When they gotta go, they gotta go, and you, responsible pet owner, better acquiesce. Cats, on the other hand, go to the bathroom when they need to, in a litter box already tucked away in the corner of the house.
And don’t give us that shit about “litter boxes smell bad.” We live in a world of modern technology, and it’s very easy to buy a box that eliminates order. Some litter boxes even take cues from your cat and clean themselves. What a time to be alive.
There's a Demon King of Cats
According to Occult-World.com, Beleth is a fallen angel, a king of hell, and (oh yeah), a cat. So if you’re ever wondering what your cat is thinking about when you’re not around, it’s probably about how to summon the demon king, Beleth. You should probably just obey your cat and do as you’re told.
Conditional Love is the Best Love
Yeah, we’re told as children that love should be unconditional. Whatever. We stopped believing in fairy tales and you should, too. Of course love is conditional. And never is this more evident than in the love of cats. It takes work to get them to love you. And a lot of patience. And you must do their bidding at every turn. But if you do your part, the love your cat gives you is the forever kind. They will come sleep on your chest. They will nuzzle your face with theirs. And they will let you pet their bellies, just for a second, before they freak out. If that’s not love, we don’t know what is.