12 Basic Human Functions That Feel Nearly Impossible Before Coffee
Photo: Williams+Hirakawa (Getty Images)
If you’re like us (or the 200 million other Americans who drink coffee on the reg), then you know exactly what it feels like before that first cup of joe raises you from the dead. The pre-coffee struggle affects just about every part of our body and mind in ways no decaf person could ever understand.
Next time your girlfriend, boss, parent, local officer, or other non-coffee drinkers (aka “weirdos”) raise an eyebrow at your strange morning behavior, shove this list into their face as you scream into the wind, “The struggle is real!” Here are 12 things you just can’t do before coffee (God’s nectar). Anything else is simply bitches brew.
Your brew talks about you: What Your Coffee Order Immediately Says About You
Obeying Basic Traffic Laws
No, we don't know why you pulled us over. Whatever, fine. Take us to jail. As long as there's coffee.
Happiness is a bird in flight that we just can't reach from the deep, dark pit that is our life right now.
Listen, we can't even work the zipper on our pants until we get some freaking coffee. Don't expect us to finish that deck you wanted.
Crossing the Street
Every moment of coffee sobriety is killing us slowly. Even functioning at a low level is a pipe dream from here on out.
Keeping Both Eyes Open
Yeah, no. This two-dimensional world is making us sleepy. We're doing the best we can.
Not Being An Asshole
The real us? Not even an option at this point in the day. We'll totally apologize later for applauding that you got fired from your job.
Making Smart Choices
We promise you. We will make the wrong decision 100 percent of the time until we get our sweet, sweet java.
Relaxing (Without Falling Asleep)
Dude, even chilling out is a horrible drag with unintended consequences before that first cup of heavenly brown goes down.
Playing Video Games Without Rage
Screw Call of Duty. Screw World of Warcraft. Screw Fortnite.
Sorry guys, could really use an effing cappuccino here.
Hiding the Monster Inside You
Is it demonic possession? Pretty much. Don't judge us, we all have a little ghoul inside that we keep at bay however we must.
Dancing the Macarena (Thank God)
Damn it. We swear we used to have this down pat...Wait. Why are we dancing the "Macarena?"
Sticking the Landing
Big day today? Just watch us destroy any chance we might have had at succeeding.
Please understand, we are useless before coffee.