Mandatory Funniest Tweets This Week 4-5
Cover Tweet: @AndyRichter
Did you know when one week dies, another collection of mandatory funniest tweets is born? It’s purely science. And math. And probably some other cool stuff we don’t even know about.
If you missed last week’s tweets, we highly recommend you not skip your weekly dose of laughs, if nothing else for your health. But go slow. Side effects include shortness of breath, increasingly wet pants and temporary joblessness.
Tweet yourself to these Twitter moments, then follow @Mandatory.
cannot wait for my first Jeast Infection https://t.co/MPaREQmL9v
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) April 3, 2019
I’m just lucky elections are multiple-choice. https://t.co/SFOxHFLFpn
— Pete Buttigieg (@PeteButtigieg) April 4, 2019
How many different JOKER movies are they making? https://t.co/dWOlrZEE8A
— Joseph K. (@bittentongue) April 4, 2019
It’s fine young women aren’t having sex with men because they’d rather cum https://t.co/IcgswNP8Qt
— LA DIFÍCIL (@sick__66) April 2, 2019
Joaquin Phoenix as Superboy (1989) // Joaquin Phoenix as Joker (2019) pic.twitter.com/nJT2ed8Niz
— Juan (@CIdentidade) April 3, 2019
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends when they turn 23 https://t.co/QJ7RXZvPot
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) April 4, 2019
I wore undies that said "Have a nice day" on them and then I DID have a nice day. Manifesting like a motherfucker.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 3, 2019
Before you go: Serenity Now! 40 Best ‘Seinfeld’ GIFs Of All Time
PETA recently reached out to me to help with a campaign and I. WAS. PUMPED. I’m scanning the email like, I WONDER HOW NAKED THEYRE GONNA ASK ME TO GET!?! 🙋🏼♀️🤞😊
And then I read their idea. 🙁 pic.twitter.com/KoQdGUEhQc
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) April 3, 2019
1989: what if the Joker was a mobster
2008: what if the Joker was a nihilist
2016: what if the Joker was a punk
2019: what if the Joker was that guy in your office who comments “Beautiful😍” on all your Instagram posts
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) April 3, 2019
“No matter how hard I tried to convince her, she didn’t want to murder any poor people!” https://t.co/0mZOrR04Pa
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) April 3, 2019
Sorry, but I don't buy this "I give inappropriate hugs because I'm from another generation" stuff. My mom is Joe Biden's age and I can't recall a single time she ever hugged me.
— todd levin (@toddlevin) April 3, 2019
“You built, like, 300 Iron Man suits. We both know you could have made me a robot eye and the fact that you haven’t offered is making things increasingly awkward.”
-Avengers (2012) pic.twitter.com/EFyuEO9MUa
— Klasic Muvy Quots (@KlasicMuvyQuots) April 3, 2019
Just a normal day of being unable to say "origins," misremembering what country your dad was born in and saying wind turbine noise causes cancer.
— Chris Hayes (@chrislhayes) April 3, 2019
I know they live in different comic book universes, but I'd love to see a fight between Batman and my neighbor with the loud stereo.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 2, 2019
Really feel that I’ve perfected my yep-just-standing-here-looking-at-the-ocean-def-not-peeing bit
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 3, 2019
Animals become priests, etc.
DM me to option story.
Serious offers only.
Except for not serious offers.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) April 4, 2019
Do Arnold and Willis even like Mr. Drummond? The opening credits reveal it all.
— Credits Score Podcast (@CreditsScore) March 27, 2019