Why do you read these columns? To learn about what women are really thinking and wanting (although I would have accepted “because I have nothing better to do as an answer”).
Well let me tell you what women really want. They want nude photos of you. You scoff, but it’s true. Behavioural scientists think that it’s men who are the visual ones and therefore it’s men who like nudie pics. But those scientists who devote their lives to this are wrong. All wrong. Next time you go out of town on business, leave your lady some provocative naked film. Trust me, she’ll love you forever.
But how do I take sexy pics of myself, you ask? Well, you could hire a photographer, but in this age of convenience that seems like an unnecessary expense. Why not try going to a Sears photo studio? They have professionals on hand five days a week, and a great selection of painted backgrounds. If you go this route, be sure to get her wallet-sized prints. She can show the girls at work!
Your next question, I’m sure, is what poses should I strike? I’m afraid I can’t help you too much there. You have to choose the poses that make your frame look sexiest. It could be the “Kitty Cat” – that’s you on all fours giving your paw a lick – or maybe the “Dead Bug”: on your back, all appendages up in the air (and I mean all appendages).
And finally, props. To use them or not to use them? A great prop can definitely make a picture pop – I’m thinking a Santa hat or an oversized lolly – but then you don’t want to distract from the true star of the show: your penis.
Now grab a camera and go make your ladies lust after you even when you’re not around.
Rebecca Addelman is a Toronto- and L.A.-based comedian and writer. She’s been featured on the Comedy Network, Bravo!, MuchMusic and MTV, and her writing has appeared in Maclean’s, The Walrus, The Globe and Mail, Bust and This. www.raddelman.com