Header Photo: Disney–ABC Domestic Television / @AndrewNadeau0 (Twitter)
You can’t spell 2017 without 107. But since that’s kind of a weird number, we just went ahead and picked out the 100 funniest tweets of the year yet again. While we may have had to cut many of our favorites from this past year in order to keep the list tight, that doesn’t mean it still isn’t jam-packed with laughter. So what are you waiting for, someone to read them to you? If so, you might have to hold out until at least 2018.
A guy in my office is shaking his protein shake and this woman poked her head around the corner and said “do I hear margaritasssss?”… no Janet, it’s 10 am.
— ••Teej•• (@TJKilbride) November 30, 2017
I am CRYING. The Weather Channel set up for a live shot of the Georgia Dome being imploded, and at the perfectly wrong time … this happened (via @ajc): pic.twitter.com/LA0cXpC7oX
— Brett Taylor (@Brett_A_Taylor) November 20, 2017
college: pic.twitter.com/ZaQwMhm4qG
— Jessica Sierra (@Jesss_Sierra) November 4, 2017
My teacher left the room during a test so we all started sharing answers. Then I look up and she was staring right at me pic.twitter.com/yPMpgazbMv
— Me (@josephxmorales) September 26, 2017
why this man’s stomach look like woody harrelson lmaooooooo pic.twitter.com/p9BrL1bmT1
— sage (@sagemyster) September 18, 2017
Thanks for the red circle I almost didn’t see it https://t.co/3BOLxJ5Exu
— (@lordflaconegro) September 2, 2017
Half of all boxing photos look like gay weddings pic.twitter.com/K3sOhm2VlK
— Jon Lovett (@jonlovett) September 16, 2017
I told my girlfriend I wrote her a poem but it was just the theme song to King of Queens. pic.twitter.com/2B1H6n7XtX
— Mike Recine (@mikerecine) August 29, 2017
EDM girls on my TL always complaining they’re broke. Ya u broke, u just spent ur fucking paycheck on a $300 hula hoop & horse tranquilizers
— Vince Mici (@VinceMici) September 5, 2017
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) October 17, 2017
No, YOU spent Labor Day weekend putting Michael Meyers into the background of Activia commercials. pic.twitter.com/kdtNF2PvbK
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) September 3, 2017
Making a list in Word
1. Word plz make me a list
2. No wait what are you d
2. 2. wtf is this
c. no this isn’t what
• WTF— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) October 18, 2017
I love how four loko ads say “drink responsibly.” Like I’m just gonna stay in tonight read a book and have a nice glass of four loko
— PAZ (@pazpaz) October 14, 2017
My mums just commented this on my cousins Fb status, AHAHAHA wee savage Ang pic.twitter.com/PgkXX15xHI
— caitlin (@cajxan) September 25, 2017
They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life’s three great concerns: one’s birth, one’s future legacy, and cowboy
— REW (@therealeatwood) October 22, 2015
Stranger Things Season 3 spoiler:
Lucas and Mad Max are actually Blake Griffin’s parents. pic.twitter.com/sctueQe46T
— DJ Music Too (@BXHXLD) October 31, 2017
Bitches scared to go see “IT” but laid up w/ a clown every night…. how that work?
— Hoodie Mary. (@UhMaryjaneee) September 1, 2017
There’s a Japanese gameshow where they change something in a room with chocolate and the contestants have to try and find it. pic.twitter.com/PNmDmVLoZM
— MΛIҠΞL (@otxku) October 10, 2017
really just spent two minutes like “why would you shame someone with tuna?” pic.twitter.com/jACWpwJBET
— tech fleece tormund (@the_blueprint) August 28, 2017
grocery shopping or running errands with someone is an underrated form of intimacy don’t @ me
— lil heart (@lavenderhoneyy) November 3, 2017
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
— Semra (@SemraDurmisevic) July 15, 2017
Kill me for saying this, but I think the #brand won this exchange pic.twitter.com/KpHUFdWWhX
— Ari Schulman (@AriSchulman) July 15, 2017
WHY IS THIS THE ONLY BULLSHIT I CAN LAUGH AT ANYMORE I CANT BREATHE pic.twitter.com/GwOes0bPj0
— ari (@nightfiIm) November 20, 2017
Once I made fun of a movie on here and the woman who wrote it followed me for 6 months and only faved 1 tweet, where I said I’d gotten sick
— Teen Vine Sensation Russian Dashcam (@kathbarbadoro) July 17, 2017
I’m not sure what’s more confusing, that we would celebrate killing two birds, or that we would need to conserve stones.
— KruseKontrol (@RCKruseKontrol) August 9, 2017
Someone cosplaying the actual convention center. pic.twitter.com/KcfI10Iu1w
— Scott Snyder (@Ssnyder1835) October 7, 2017
As a parent I’m gonna slip thunderstruck into my kid’s bday party playlist to see which parents are cool and start chugging their Heinekens
— Joe Moran (@jmmoran20) August 2, 2017
We’re out of caprisuns pic.twitter.com/E1spZxYJ9p
— (@sandpipermom) November 22, 2017
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
— brent (@murrman5) August 7, 2017
*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt— Cory (@_ihateyall) August 11, 2017
This is bullshit pic.twitter.com/3nZgju0ati
— Hannah (@hannahtocci) October 27, 2017
Dear God. It ACTUALLY fucking happened pic.twitter.com/h5J6ibytAU
— King Nathan, XV (@RodriguezDaGod) October 6, 2017
Thank goodness for the BBC. I don’t pay my TV licence to see filth like “mother” on the telly. pic.twitter.com/c7ETzjqxWO
— V. (@_vixx) September 5, 2017
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
— John Mayer (@JohnMayer) October 26, 2017
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
— andrew wallace chamings (@AndrewChamings) December 6, 2016
this is called an airplane https://t.co/K6T9FDCzHB
— katie (@ktrestifo) November 29, 2017
RT if you were born with this animal instinct and didn’t need JaKe MaRtiNeZ to teach you https://t.co/aGIV5mnnSd
— Baby Spice (@GappyStanley) September 14, 2017
Yeah sex is cool but have you ever closed 15 tabs after finishing a project
— daddy (@lifeofdaddy) November 29, 2017
Her testimony at church on Sunday boutta be lit as fuck https://t.co/Lib3wDbBlO
— Shady (@NoHoesShady) September 14, 2017
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself
Sister-in-law: *crying* is this why you wanted an open casket
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) December 11, 2017
When you’ve handed in your resignation but still have to work the 2 week notice period pic.twitter.com/9MPAyA1wsr
— Tamoor Hussain (@tamoorh) July 18, 2017
1980: “I bet there will be flying cars in the future”
2017: pic.twitter.com/NtpGiD8CdV
— Jason (@ayyjqce) August 15, 2017
Prayed over the 8-piece Chick-Fil-A nugget I bought, then opened the box and found 12 nuggets. This is my testimony.
— Jonathan (@jnthnwll) November 29, 2017
when the coast is clear pic.twitter.com/QkTW6jJhI4
— michael koh (@ughHugs) February 3, 2017
Do frat boys wait for a drink to spill on them before taking a pic or is it a coincidence that their shirts are always stained in their IG’s
— -Tanya (@tanyeo_) February 22, 2017
When your pants suspect something. pic.twitter.com/v9a4pr8Ora
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) October 27, 2017
genie: please no
millipede: more legs— Tami Cru (@TamiCru) August 29, 2017
so this just happened… : pic.twitter.com/mPz7z6ZGI3
— allie rose (@aallz__) October 3, 2017
Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me— regal trash bitch (@meatgrindr) September 12, 2017
Let’s see… there’s a man with a white beard, multiple deer, a fire place, a bunch of snowflakes, and a guy named Chris goes down a dark hole! I’d say go for it! https://t.co/HjjDIE6Hzn
— Jordan Peele (@JordanPeele) December 25, 2017
What you see vs. what your family sees when you reset the router pic.twitter.com/lAiGOz5Vt5
— nah bitch everyday you can’t stop mf’n drivin fast (@ImAJBro) September 5, 2017
yooo i have about 0 skills when it comes to texting girls so i legit asked my english professor to help me draft a text to a girl and we strAIGHT ETHOS, LOGOS, PATHOSED MY WAY INTO A DATE pic.twitter.com/oHwIDGEheA
— jake (@squidslippers) October 25, 2017
I just want to say, for me, today has been one of the funniest days on this app. pic.twitter.com/PtTJWp34yp
— KYLE A.B. (@kyalbr) September 28, 2017
Hang on. Frogger was trying to get to the office? This is depressing pic.twitter.com/5ozzL0LxDh
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) October 23, 2017
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) September 27, 2017
Detroit real as fuck lmao pic.twitter.com/8snWMq1lmP
— A Black Person (@GivethNoFucketh) October 25, 2017
hello youtube today i will teach u how to get this winged eyeliner look pic.twitter.com/25mNtQQIFc
— common sad girl (@sadgirlkms) September 26, 2017
every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz baby
— dalton day (@lilghosthands) September 10, 2017
IT’S CALLED *ROOMMATES*
YOU INVENTED ***ROOMMATES*** pic.twitter.com/zKo1VrFwqR
— Yulie [NSFL] (@sugarsh0t) November 13, 2017
hello mr police
hello mr baby
hello mr rag time gal pic.twitter.com/nQ5FAl9Poh— David Q Byrne (@davidqbyrne) October 28, 2017
Engineers are the dudes who run the train right? I feel like too many people are majoring in engineering. There’s not even that many trains.
— Tre4 (@Dead_Epoch) October 26, 2017
I got a pair of these, but when I tried to walk away I stumbled. pic.twitter.com/9Y3FTgv0XI
— Sharty B (@SenatorIvy) October 26, 2014
corn maze date? can’t we just split a 6 pack of fall beer and watch youtube videos like why do we gotta go get lost in fucking crops
— ryan (@yeetztweetz) September 27, 2017
At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.— ghouligan (@gayIorswift13) November 13, 2017
McDonald’s called out order 369 and i yelled out “Damn she fine” and nobody laughed or danced, I hate where we’re at in America right now.
— Robbie Strand (@robbie_strand) September 24, 2017
Gf: what’s wrong
Me: nothing
Gf: okay cool
Me: it’s just funny how I drafted David Johnson first overall and he got hurt and you don’t care— Spicey βricey (@Brice_B_2) September 12, 2017
My dog was featured on the local news yesterday and was very excited about it pic.twitter.com/FgQqoS8Fm4
— jolly jade (@JadoElizabeth) November 8, 2017
aint this that bass player from fall out boy? pic.twitter.com/NOvBIGWlnW
— baby blossom (@psychadeIiceyes) August 31, 2017
ex: so i just got promoted at my dream job and my boyfriend and i just got engaged. how are you doing
me: i just started putting horseradish sauce on crackers. i call them spicy boys
— mm mepy (@MeepisMurder) December 17, 2017
Girl that drives Nissan Maxima who’s slightly less drunk than all her friends herding into Waffle House at 2am:
“Omg I am such a mom”
— Narvi Schwartz (@narvischwartz) September 22, 2017
me jumping into conclusions 5 minutes after i send a text and get no reply pic.twitter.com/a9nPZSYwKV
— zander (@finah) November 9, 2017
absolutely no one on the planet will give away their edibles, for free, to your children. please grow up https://t.co/dhx7TZ96Z7
— cool dad julia (@okayjulia) October 26, 2017
lmaosgsjshisjs why is uber there who tf is getting addicted to calling taxis https://t.co/juJCTXpb8e
— ugly ass noodlehead (@boycotthumans) September 17, 2017
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
— Jackman…Forever (@TheAlexP) October 15, 2017
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
— Philly Byrne (@PhilipNByrne) September 25, 2017
They gave a 3 year old an Ask Me Anything and why am I laughing so much pic.twitter.com/74HcbomkVV
— FutureHendrixFanAccount (@00Exodus) November 1, 2017
Girls spend $70 on an outfit and curl hair and put on makeup just to hook up with a frat boy in a Hawaiian shirt who peed his bed last night
— Anna (@letsgetfunke) September 3, 2017
Just so we’re clear, The Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.
— Probability The Rapper (@random_weighs) November 25, 2017
ratatouille 2 sounds wild https://t.co/lIgdOuruCH
— Taylor Allard (@tayallard) November 4, 2017
My man just FaceTimed me drunk as hell eating a slice of pizza while walking down the street and he goes YOU WANNA KNOW HOW PERFECT YOU ARE? LOOK AT THIS PIZZA… FOR YOU, I’LL DROP THIS PIZZA. IT’S GONE! and just threw the damn pizza into the street
— Kelly (@kellyblaus) November 27, 2017
when pennywise said “i’m not real enough for you? it was real enough for georgie” i was like damn alright PETTYwise that was uncalled for
— caity (@marveljedi) September 20, 2017
sometimes i regret inventing edm https://t.co/W7nhnBAkfW
— Diplo (@_diplo_) September 18, 2017
I work in an animation studio with some of the best artists I’ve ever met and this is the pumpkin that won our carving contest yesterday. pic.twitter.com/mh20Q7tQ21
— lauren (@aptkr_) November 1, 2017
Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point
— K S (@kirsty_sxo) January 7, 2017
I miss the days when online “Fake News” was just like, “Did you hear Urkel died” and then later you find out Urkel is fine.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) June 23, 2017
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
— Jenn Quinn (@JennnQuinn) August 20, 2017
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) December 24, 2017
I’m still shook pic.twitter.com/TPYLRNHDP0
— ashleen (@ashleenn_) August 20, 2017
Mankind v The Undertaker- Hell In A Cell 1998 pic.twitter.com/H20DZgxkkC
— pastor (@inmyshinysuit) November 6, 2017
When your cellular connection accidentally shoots your shot for you… pic.twitter.com/fijEJtOHSc
— kody (@KodeineCrazy) August 15, 2017
i’m just trying to look at my phone bill and Jessica thinks i’m gassing her up pic.twitter.com/bDZu9or6Ph
— Sam Keegan (@keegstand_) October 25, 2017
Member the days when ur dads mysterious pal could get u a shitey dvd copy of a film that wasnt due to come out for abt 3 years
— bames (@rachelcarroll12) August 15, 2017
— Jack, your new pal! (@buckleyjack) November 5, 2017
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) August 2, 2017
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) February 12, 2017
I love US history https://t.co/L6wU39nY82
— Hasani (@hasaniisaloser) September 6, 2017
I love when your family friends are always like “oh sweetie you’re gonna break some hearts one day” like yea Aunt Kathy my own, 15 times.
— Maria Humayun (@Maria_Humayun) August 16, 2017
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife— yabkat (@ohen39) October 25, 2017
my ex was behind me in the popeyes drive thru and he screams out his window “you fucking lied about hating chicken bitch”
— Kenna (@kenna_alitz) August 17, 2017
Chameleons are fun cause they’ll grab anything you give them. pic.twitter.com/aTJ2Abjrs4
— Emma Ward (@Emma_The_Ward) August 17, 2017
