Who says douches are only guys? Douchebaguettes are the new hip thing. And there's nothing more hip than bedazzled jeans -- if you're a douchebaguette. Only women from Nashville should be able to wear them. If you're not from Nashville, refrain from purchasing bedazzled jeans, bedazzled nails, and a vajazzled vagina.
Why is it that only severely obese people wear tracksuits? Is it because they magically think they'll get in shape by virtue of wearing it, or is it because they need something that really brings out their gold chain? All tracksuits should've died a violent death in the '80s, but sadly, they've persisted. Usually within Italian enclaves. If you're not an Olympian or a Russian, for the love of all that is holy, burn your tracksuit. Or keep it and know that once upon a time, Al Sharpton swore by them but grew out of it. Or shrunk out of it.
Luckily, I haven't seen this style since the '90s on Ivy League campuses. However, I'm confident it's still a thing on the Upper East Side. It's not a sign of affluence. It's a sign of douche. No one cares that your family comes from steel money. No one cares that you spend your weekends on a boat. You have a punchable face, but something tells me your father will sue me if I snap.
Just wear a scarf.
On second thought, don't.
This is a touchy area, because I understand how cold it gets in the Midwest. That's why unless you live in the Midwest or Northeast or near the Rockies, you shouldn't do it. Scarves are for chicks and gay men. Which is cool.
If it falls below 60 degrees and you get giddy because you know it's scarf season: douche. If you feel they round out your fashion perfectly, complete with khakis and sockless Sperries: douche. If you need something fleece to warm your neck when it gets a tad nippy, just be honest with yourself and wear a sweater around your shoulders.
However, only if you're white. This is not me being racist, nor is it accusing Beats-wearers of cultural appropriation. Lord knows I believe cultural appropriation is a silly idea anyway. It's simply a fashion statement. It's being trendy. You didn't pay $200 to cancel out noise. You paid $200 to be cool. If you had to pay $200 to be cool, you were probably uncool to begin with. Hence, the reason trends exist. And die.
Shoes, totes, and a Chihuahua. Paris Hilton boasts endlessly about her fashion line, which she established through grit, talent, and a viral night vision blowjob. It's a mystery to me who exactly buys her stuff. But I suspect it's only a 4D advertisement to make the Paris Hilton image appear not so trite and sad.
We've already covered this one extensively in our red flags article outlining the finer points of douchebag habits, but it bears repeating. Flat-billed hats are for douchebags. Let's be real here. Unless you're an ethnic minority who is simply expressing his swag, you probably drive a truck with a bumper sticker that says, "No fat chicks." That, or you have a chinstrap and a cocaine problem.
We get it. You like 420 not only because it was Hitler's birthday, but because it symbolizes your love of weed. Keep it on the down-low. Publicly advertising your penchant for the seven-leaved plant via T-shirt burns with such douchebaggery, it makes me want to smoke a joint to calm down whenever I see it.
Unless you're Bill Nye or attending a gala, stop. You look like an idiot.
You stopped playing lacrosse in high school. But somehow, you keep living the dream. You're afraid to pop your collar because you don't want to be too obvious, so you settle for pink. A pink polo.